Vaughn's Bar and Grill

Dear Red Sox Management,

2009-06-19T10:03:00.002-04:00

You got your gate in, you got your gate out, you got your fucking team a one-run loss in a barely-official game that would have been just as cheap a result if the Marlins had lost. You even managed to get Mike Lowell, one of the most work-a-day players on the ship, to bitch about this. I know you have stats people up there. What part of 100% chance of rain do you not understand?

Dumbest Possible Purchases from the Rays Catalogue

2009-06-18T15:05:00.003-04:00

(Part 2/5. Much as I'd love to write about how fucking awesome the Red Sox are performing, the 500th sell-out festivities and that moment of child-like joy between Jason Bay and Bobby Orr, and the delusion I'm getting that we're somehow going to be able to fleece a catcher off the Rangers for Brad Penny and a C-prospect, this catalogs are fucking hilarious.)

Look, just because everyone hates the Yankees doesn't make it a good idea for any and every American League team to claim them as a "rivalry." Unless this shirt is not a shirt at all, but rather a 70% lead garment/weapon you can use to beat the octogenarian New York transplants into silence, this is dumb.

("Beat New York." Like, Beat New Yorkers. Get it! Huh? Hey, where'd you go?)

Three interlocking Rays rings. Why three? Cheap engagement ring he promises he'll replace once he gets his next paycheck, marriage ring you accept reluctantly, failed reconciliation gift. Seriously, this ring is sadder than the Hal McCrae years.

Your infant is not a fan of the Rays. She is a fan of breast milk, being burped, and that squeaky funny voice Da-da does, and branding your kid a Rays fan is about as natural as branding it a Republican. And you need to do something about that organic scent coming from your organic fan, too. This is an indoor stadium.

Back side of the frame reads, "And born to move to Vegas/Portland/San Jose in 5 years!"

"Huh. You have a blown-up ticket on your wall."

"Yeah, man, isn't it fuckin' sweet?"

"Yeah. Yeah. To an August game between the Devil Rays and the Indians. Huh. Is this pop art or something?"

"No way, dude, it wasn't just any August game, man."

"Well, the Rays sucked then, so it couldn't have meant that much. Um...were you there? Did they lose by some amazing number of runs? Did you meet your ex-girlfriend on August 7, 1999?"

"Nah, dude, I met Shawnee in the Sonic parking lot after a Jackyl show."

"So?"

"Wade fucking Boggs, man."

(Beat.)

"He played for Tampa Bay?" (Beat.) "Do you have that fifty bucks you owe me?"

At last, the carrying ability of a plate, the spinning sensation of vertigo, and the jarring explosive sensation of having your head ripped apart, all at once! What a deal!

You know, just because you can create a hat almost uglier than the original Rainbow Warrior team lids doesn't mean you should. One nice element: the arrows, which direct you to exactly where on the forehead to punch the head that dares wear this.

Rejected front of hat design: "Tampa Bay Rays: 2nd Place in 2008!"

Rejected back of hat element, in red lettering: "Tampa Bay 1, Philadelphia 4"

Seriously, I'm not belittling the Rays' accomplishment in 2008--they were certainly a frightening, frightening team when they were pummeling the Red Sox for 2.5 out of the 3 middle games of the ALCS--but people who wear League Champions hats wear Wild Card Champions hat, as though there is a championship of 2nd.

The notable feature here, in case you didn't notice, is the Removablity of the logo panel. This way, when you come to your senses, or at least get on another bandwagon when your team misses the playoffs, you can remove the Rays logo, trash it along with the baby Rays crap your kid outgrew, sit your big ass back on your bare recliner, and get on with your life.

In a matter of speaking.

Dumbest Possible Purchases from the Yankees Catalogue

2009-06-16T15:34:00.004-04:00

(This is part one of five of a planned American League East series. I'm all but certain this will be the funniest entry already, however.)

With the staying power of "God Bless America" at the Stadium, eight years after 9/11, isn't it simply implicit that if you love the Yankees, you love America, get a rash any time you accidentally drink foreign beer or foreign-owned American beer (fuck off, Budweiser!), waterboard Sully from Roxbury every chance you get, personally fought eight tours in Iraq, three in Iran on your own initiative, and cum a little bit in your pants every time you hear the comely screech of Kate Smith?

No, it's not implicit? Well, fucking buy this, then.

Diagonally? And you signed Bill Mueller and David Ortiz for nothing? Pretty sneaky, Theo!

"I know you woulda made the bigs if you didn't knock up Mom when you were playing with the Tantallon Traders in the East Central Saskatoon League, and I know you can't stand Billy Martin, so hey, happy Father's Day, Pa!"

"Now get loose in the bullpen. Wang's pitching, for Christ's sake."

Brah, if that hat actually looked that tattered when you bought it, and I know it did, I'm going to have to pull out my box cutter and show you what a truly tattered hat/head looks like.

Yeah, those are little Yankee emblems in the pattern of the sash around your girlfriend's waist. And she knows you spent $75 bucks on the sash; you told her twice. She's still breaking up with you.

Sorry Yankees, the Mets already have dibs on the whole fake-Brooklyn-Dodgers thing. May we suggest another defunct team from the menu? Perhaps a side of Philadelphia Athletics?

The item is actually tasteful enough, and it's less than $20 to boot. Mainly, it's the sheer creepiness of this image that's disturbing me. They shouldn't have used the HH-1955 filter.

"And if you don't like the Yankees, kiss my Royal, Irish, unemployed, quickly expanding ass!!"

/belches, opens a second fifth of Vat 69, gives up entirely.

Meh. If I was a styling lady with a bikini body, I would have asked for this model:

I heard it comes with free hGh, too.

The Where's Waldo? of Yankee items. Flowers, patterns, flowers, patterns, and THERE it is! Yeah. Awesome. Why did I buy these?

For the family in the $5,000 seats with the toddler in the $125 Baby LeBrons, a $55 jacket that will last 9 months, so he's warm at the thrilling Yankee victory he won't remember, towards the start of a childhood he will later resent. Happy days.

Questions:

1) Is this a dark or light crystal?
2) Can you talk with the crystal? Does a hologram shoot out of it? Will the crystal make me kill for it?
3) Does the crystal give me the ability to mesmerize any of Jeter's exes, that legion of 1,290 dissatisfied starlets? (And counting!)
3) When were MVP Crystals first given out to athletes who never won MVPs?
4) How much of the value of this collectible has it lost since I first started asking questions? Did it have any when we started?

Sigh, just 10 to go.

2009-06-12T12:02:00.006-04:00

Talking baseball to my girlfriend because, well, someone had to hear out my excitement after the Red Sox completed another sweep with a stirring 4-3 counter-comeback, I explained the importance of the Red Sox winning their first eight against their most likely long-term competitor this year in the AL East like so:

More Likely Outcomes				Games Back
Red Sox win 3/8				3
Red Sox win 4/8				2
Red Sox win, gasp, 5 of 8				1

"And if they lost today, they'd be tied," she replied.

Exactly. So overhyped as the Red Sox/Yankees neverending series has been post-2003, dead even as they've been over those same years, this has been the one season where the Red Sox, thus far, have saved these rocky two and a half months--the awful start, the .500 May, the starters' initial reluctance to be good--by, you know, not losing to the Yankees. At all.

Two World Series removed from a lingering sense that all this team does must end in doom, that still seems pretty fucking weird. So does the feeling of disappointment that we can't play the Highlanders nee Baltimore Orioles I until August. The flipside being that I will be told "Take off that hat!" at a 3-6X rate walking around New York than during a standard successful Sox season. Sweet, sweet music.

Compare/Contrast

2009-06-10T13:20:00.002-04:00

Staring frog.

Staring Joba's mom.

The Long and Grand List of Qualifying Major League Players With An Inferior VORP to David Ortiz

2009-06-02T17:22:00.006-04:00

And the list reads....

No, that's it, really. Chris Young of the Arizona Diamondbacks, who was also supposed to be much better than this. And nothing more. The un-qualifying list reads just as badly. David Ortiz is truly the second worst everyday player in the majors on this, our Lord's second day of the third month of the Base Ball season. What, you don't believe me? Click the chart below:

If that awful image doesn't content you, look it up yourself. We aren't looking at Jeff Francour simply out of belief he can turn it around. We're looking at him because he's an upgrade over David Ortiz right now. Our team is 89.4 runs better than a team composed of nothing but AAAA guys, so yes, you could bump that up to 100.6 runs if you just replaced David Ortiz with...

Okay, technically, you'd lose half a run with undead Jason Giambi, but that heartbreak would be replaced with amusement. Call Beane, stat.

Rejected Lineups

2009-06-01T13:05:00.006-04:00

Francona came up with a good lineup to bring the offense briefly back to life. Here are a few not that good ones.

The Get It Over With (aka, The Seppuku)

1. Ortiz DH
2. Green SS
3. Varitek C
4. Ellsbury CF
5. Drew RF (for lefty-lefty stacking)
6. Pedroia 2B
7. Youkilis 1B
8. Lowell 3B
9. Bay LF

The Keep it on the DL (Damaged Lineup)

1. Lugo 2B
2. Lowrie 3B
3. Baldelli CF
4. Carter 1B
5. Ortiz DH
6. Kotsay LF
7. Brown C
8. Van Every RF
9. Velazquez SS

The Tito Been Watching Too Many Baseball Movies

1. Hayes, Willie Mays CF
2. Bailey, Bartholmew "Bump" LF
3. Hobbs, Roy DH
4. Serrano, Pedro RF
5. Chambers, Emory "Champ" 3B
6. (Unknown Second Basemen Never Shown in Major Leagues I-III), 2B
7. Bud, Air 1B
8. Pearson, Bruce C
9, Eckstein, David SS (From The David Eckstein Story, a harrowing story of an untalented athlete whose ego, inflated by fans' love of his littleness and his whiteness, led to terrible drunken repercussions after the glory was gone. Coming in 2015. Screenwriter, J. Drimmer.)

It's all in the...

2009-05-27T09:49:00.003-04:00

Red Sox, last 5 games: 2-3.
Blue Jays, last 5 games: 0-5.
Yankees, last 5 games: 2-3.
Red Sox's position: 1st place, by 1 game.

Struggling is swell when everyone else is. (Unless you like actually opening up your lead, that is.) Another Lester start ruined by one bad inning, another Lester loss. Good timing to suck, guys. Now, can we stop?

Knuckle Up.

2009-05-20T13:38:00.002-04:00

Don't even stop to contemplate where the Red Sox would be without Tim Wakefield. (Okay, fine, here's my thought: 3rd place, but only because I think Clay Buchholz is actually ready.) Just be thankfully he's still around, and when he's been good, has been amazing. As Prospectus points out, this team is freakishly overperforming against its rotation. Three key reasons: generally excellent offense, best bullpen in the majors, and on those days no one is hitting, Tim Wakefield.

Sadly, all the headlines on the Worldwide Leader in Entertainment and sometimes Sports, and various other sites, were about that much younger man looking much older, Zombie David Ortiz. Swinging at bad junk in the dirt, missing Zombie B.J. Ryan's 86 mph fastball, mauling and decapitating Kevin Millar (then discovering to his disappointment no grey matter there, just some kind of Frito dip), the signs of decay and undeadness have not faded. Does Dave Magadan still work for the Red Sox? Are we really going to have to bullshit with Washington as they ask for Buchholz in exchange for Nick Johnson? Is Chuck LaMar the new shadow GM of the Nationals? Self-esteem or not, doesn't keeping Papi in the 3 slot put pressure on him he isn't exactly up for right now?

Sigh. Even after a nice win, I got me some questions. Youk's back, anyway. Keep him away from Ortiz during his feeding hours.

(Thanks to LOLJocks for the Ortiz as Fred Sanford pic.)

the west coast is not our best coast.

2009-05-18T11:15:00.003-04:00

The Mariners have won 3 of their last 13 games. 2 against the Red Sox.

The Red Sox had the bases loaded and scored no runs.

They had the third out of the ninth in their (Nick Green's) glove, and threw it 15 feet too high.

They went 2-4 on their (blessedly final) West Coast trip.

Their supposed offensive leader was given the series off...to...?

As YFSF pointed out, they're 17-16 against teams that don't rhyme with New Pork Thank Ye's.

Without that 12-game winning streak? Forget it.

This team is not intact, its offense is not its actual offense, and this is not our beautiful three-game deficit with just an +18 run differential, but it's a suck spiral all the same.

Daddy gotta win. (Again.)

(In the time it took me to write this title, Daniel Bard struck you out on three pitches.)

2009-05-14T11:53:00.003-04:00

I'd say it's not supposed to be this easy, Daniel, but I know it hasn't been easy. 2007 alone is the sort of season some top prospects never come out of, but you have, and goddamn if you haven't come out better for it.

Papelbon's fastball has that peculiar arm action and wiggle; yours is pure explosion, and the secondary stuff last night wasn't looking bad either.

One day, maybe not that far away, when you're pitching in the 8th, with Ramirez in the 7th, Okajima/Delcarmen in the 6th, and Masterson ready to do whatever, we will have a team that can handle a shutout yet shaky five innings from a Matsuzaka, or, yes, a Clay Bucholz. One strikeout in two innings, one walk, one hit, and a lot of really bewildered looking swings: chops, pops, and just one inherited runner scored.

Taking a 4-0 lead and losing 8-4 couldn't normally be considered a good night. But it clearly wasn't the Red Sox's night. It was yours. And we want more.

Mid-May Review.

2009-05-13T16:30:00.005-04:00

Is it too early in the season to contemplate where the major leagues stand? Well, there are two answers to that, and neither is true.

a) Fuck no! It's mid-May, and the Nationals and Orioles (alas, mid-Atlantic), and the Padres and Pirates (in spite of early hot starts; this is why we daren't review in April) all look pretty dead. Oakland seems it was a paper tiger, insomuch as, you know, paper tigers don't have claws, or blood running through their veins.

b) Fuck yes! Especially since the MLB schedule-makers were smoking more salvia than usual this year. (Eastern examples: Toronto will have played every other American League team by the time they finally play the Red Sox [and haven't played the Rays yet, and are just playing the Yankees for the first time now], while Boston is finishing up their West Coast travel...right now.) You can't solidly judge a baseball team when it has yet to run through its own division, let alone the league.

So aside from the teams that are as fucked as the '88 Orioles, and no team is that fucked, there's still time for change. All the same, the Sox are 20% through the 2009 campaign, so the land is starting to get...laid?

By division, along with the chances my predictions will be the least bit right, here are your major leagues.

NL East

Predicted winner: Mets
Current leader: Mets

Thoughts: Something about this Mets team seems real fucking shaky already, but it isn't Johan Santana. The Phillies can't keep up their 8-10 home record. The Marlins will hover around .500. I can't understand the Braves, but no one can misunderstand the Nationals. If Boras keeps Stephen Strasburg from D.C., you can just move the team to Portland now.

NL Central

Predicted winner: Cubs
Current leader: Cards

Thoughts: Four teams either lead or are within 1.5 games of the lead, including the somewhat surprising St. Louisians and the all-pitch, not-much-hit (???) Red Stockings. And Milton Bradley is injured. Which is not surprising. Stay tuned.

NL West

Predicted winner: Diamondbacks
Current leader: Dodgers

Thoughts: Boy, I fucked this one up; some promising young teams come to fruition, others become too overvalued to trade away, and between the Diamondbacks and the Rockies, this division is full of promising 2007 teams in for long 2009 seasons, and a stumbling path downward from there. Only the Manny motherfuck can make this division interesting. Look out for the Giants.

AL West

Predicted winner: Angels
Current leader: Rangers

Thoughts: This. Division. Sucks.

AL Central

Predicted winner: Indians
Current leader: Royals?

Thoughts: And I thought I was being audacious to pick the Royals to finish not-last. Greinke (and to a lesser extent, Meche) could carry this team to the playoffs in a division where no one is bad, but no one is that good. (Note: author still believes the Indians aren't that bad for some reason, although Fausto Carmona's looking like a one-year wonder with a one pitch people have finally learned not to swing at.) When Coco Crisp is happy, I'm happy. (And when Coco Crisp is traded for a reliever with a sub-1 ERA, I'm even happier.)

AL East

Predicted winner: Boston
Current leader: Toronto

Thoughts: Bet you thought this was where I was going to call Toronto a mirage, right? Well, maybe: I don't believe Overbay is going to continue a career year, that Millar is going to keep seeing inside fastballs, that Marco Scutaro is at all capable of doing what he's doing, or that a team with Doc Halladay and four guys that weren't supposed to start this year (including a replacement FOR a replacement) can keep it up.

But you know what? The mirage scheduling goes both ways. They've beaten the schedule they've received thus far: now they have to face real teams. I'm intrigued to see what happens.

I don't get the Rays, but I'm still scared of them.

I don't get how Johnny Damon has become a half-Japanese Brady Anderson, but he seems to be all the Yankees have right now. Even if everything else--Sabathia, Texiera, even Wang--settles itself, they've still got to use their bullpen sometimes, and that bullpen, including Mariano Rivera, sucks. (Right now.)

The Orioles aren't very good, but they aren't good for the right reasons.

The Sox started horribly, tore through everyone for two weeks, and has been pretty good since, and unlike the Jays, they've been doing it in spite of freakishly bad performances, rather than on the weight of good ones. Beckett and Lester will settle themselves, and Matsuzaka will probably be his brilliant and infuritating self soon. Wakefield won't have to carry the weight by then. Ortiz might not have to carry the weight no matter what.

This team is second best in the real major league, and not everything is going right. That's actually a very, very good sign.

(Another empty speculation on the Manny Ramirez news.)

2009-05-07T14:25:00.004-04:00

What we know:

--Xavier Paul is a-coming to the majors. Get excited, L.A.!
--Manny claims this was a personal thing.
--It wasn't a steroid.
--He tested positive for it in Spring Training...and kept using it?
--It was something a Miami doctor gave Manny.
--The NL West sucks. The Diamondbacks I picked to make the World Series haven't shown up this year. This makes the division interesting, but it doesn't make it of any real interest to outsiders.
--Frank McCourt is considering using the $8 million he just got back to buy Oil Can Boyd, Rich Garces, and any other former Red Sox he hasn't signed yet. He ain't happy about it, though.

What don't know, but might be so:

--Some left fielder's doctor is about to be slapped with a lawsuit.
--Manny just being randy and dumb? Possible.
--Manny being masky? Also possible. Them Game of Shadows boys say so, anyway.
--Both possible? Well, it isn't easy to bone when your body ain't making testosterone. And estrogen isn't exactly a mass-marketed alternative to Viagra.
--A lot of shrill, stupid conversations will go on. Red Sox will make universal defensive statements, especially David Ortiz. Colin Cowherd will continue his descent into rings of hell they're actually still building. The Post will come up with a headline that is funny at first, and then progressively less so at each succeeding view. There will be talk, talk, talk.
--If this unwinds in a certain direction, you get the whole package, including a sketchily-written book next spring training. (Unless Jeff Perlman writes it, in which case I'm buying it.)
--And if it goes that way, the whole of Manny's Red Sox years will be tarnished with a thick, gray-green patina of doubt.
--But we don't know where this is going. Which is why I'd rather not be yet another windbag until I have a little more dust to blow around.

The Orioles are "Hummingbird."

2009-05-06T13:59:00.003-04:00

Rays= Paper.

Returning AL Champions, supposed to be good for years to come, not terribly good thus far. Loses to Scissors, and most other teams, but in spite of being but a paper tiger, covers Rock. (And by covering it, defeats it? I've never understood this element of the game. You can still throw a rock through the fucking paper.) 42% of victories versus Boston.

Yankees= Scissors.

Some sharp edges acquired by free agency, mostly dull thus far. Even a rusty pair of scissors can cut through paper. (Yankees took 2 of 3 from Tampa, in Tampa.)

Red Sox= Rock.

Well-rounded team, potentially, from lineup to rotation to bullpen. Turns to Kryptonite around Tampa (losing 5 out of 7 so far...yeah, that's half of their losses), turns Scissors into shards of metal (winning 5 of 5 against New York, including two very similar games Monday and Tuesday night). Vulnerable, but still the best throw.

Oh, and the importance these teams have to each other's record thus far? Proof that we don't know shit until our team goes around the league, and further reason I hate the unbalanced schedule, because we won't be around the league until late July. The thrill of 18 games a year against all rivals is gone. Stop the madness.

Diversions: Little Philipino, Big Fists.

2009-05-04T15:13:00.005-04:00

A poor stretch including three of four against the Boston nine's Kryptonite (10 losses so far this season, 6 to Tampa Bay...enough said) seems like a good excuse to not discuss baseball at all.

It'd be a little untruthful to, anyway; the Internet isn't yet setup in the new residence (a move which is the reason why I've been a bit itinerant here; forgiveness, please) so I didn't get to watch any of this weekend's brutality. Which is okay. I preferred the brutality I did see, and it didn't take three hours to finish.

It took 5 minutes, and 59 seconds, plus an unprecedented three national anthems, an awful undercard that I mostly missed (too distracted by the crowd at the other big TV cheering loudly every time the Bulls took an open shot, whether they missed it or not; most of these Polo-shirted punks were also rooting for Hatton, so the Celtics' win would only be the beginning of their shitty evening), and the standard amount of hoopla rendered all the more ridiculous by...well, what briefly followed.

The essence of Punch-Out! and the confounding of many a great pitcher, is telegraphing. If Bald Bull charges, hit him in the gut on the third step and he'll fall. Punch King Hippo in the gut when he reveals his belly band-aid. Pray to Allah you can catch the slight flickers and blinks Mike Tyson gives off. That's how you beat video boxing. Know when the curve is coming, it's not quite the knee-buckler it is in a fastball count.

But outside of the WVBA, telegraphing isn't supposed to be a big boxing matter. Speed, power and skill is, which is why smart money kept floating to Manny Pacquiao, and a 2-1 favorite turned 3-1 favorite. Natural size is, which is why Ricky Hatton, top of the junior welterweight ranks for nearly four years, never beaten at 140 pounds, was given a real shot of taking out a former 106-pounder by some. Both could brawl, so a knockout was expected.

Expected, yes. By this guy, yes. In this round, hell no. But apparently telegraphing can matter in boxing. Watch it again and you'll wonder why tenative ol' Money Mayweather or anyone else never figured out how easy it is; watch it a third time and you'll realize the timing, the openings, aren't quite as broad as you might think. Hatton didn't blink three times, or turn red, or have the jewel on the top of his head wink anyway. But he does cock his fists. He goes back before he goes forward. And as in the first knockdown, when you know the slower fighter is about to throw, and you are fast and powerful and a bad motherfucker, you can actually

1) See the punch coming.
2) Throw a right hook through the hole where his hands would be, obliterating his jaw.
3) Dodge the punch he started to throw before you were even thinking of connecting. And, oh yeah, that punch is being thrown while he falls on his royal English arse.

Ricky Hatton was always a limited fighter, but Pacquiao's accomplishment Saturday night should not be diminished. Paraphrase White Men Can't Jump, it's hard work making a man look so bad. It's harder work dominating any rank. It's ridiculous to dominate four (lineal championships) or six (divisions in which Pac has held belts), even in an era of excessive divisions. All hail the king, and crown his ass, no matter what it weighs in at next time.

Sights I saw at New Yankee Stadium.

2009-04-22T13:44:00.005-04:00

--Gigantic, terrifying huge ballplayers (pictured above), including a fading shortstop with less range than David Eckstein, a vainglorious and (physically and mentally) wounded third baseman, and a 34.50 ERA sinkerballer whose sinkers seem to move to the middle and center of the plate. And Jeter had wings like Mothra. I would have been terrified if I wasn't listening to King Geedorah.

--Unfinished concrete all around the place reminiscent of a cheap New York condo building, now desperate and open to rental. All around the place probably not including the luxury boxes.

--Advertising for a truly modern Murderer's Row. Utz probably wouldn't make the 40 corporation roster:

Avis
Casio
Hess
Budweiser
Met Life
Pepsi
Bank of America
Ford
AT&T
Bud Light
J & R
Stop and Shop
Komatsu
Utz
Sony
(Unknown Japanese Company)
W.B. Mason
Modell's (featuring a really gross ad that responded to a broken bat, with a broken bat animation then queuing us, hey, need a new bat? Gotta Go To Mo's! When an opposing player is out with an injury, I hope they flash a Beth Israel Hospital ad.)
Toyota
The Sharper Image (still exists?)
Steiner Sports
Delta (including the Delta 360 Luxury Box; if you're dumb enough to blow $2K+ to see a ballgame from your own shelter, shouldn't you at least demand a touch of unsponsored class?)
H&R Block (Also with their own luxury lounge [not exactly fiscally conservative] and a tax hints feature between innings; y'know, on April 22nd, the only hint anyone can logically give is, Do your fucking taxes already or scurry to Liberia now.)
Zales
The Sporting Authority
Gatorade
Dunkin' Donuts
Mastercard
Audi
Nathan's
Poland Spring
Amtrak
Jim Bean
Armitron
Premio
New York Daily News
Turkey Hill
24 Hour Fitness
Geico (including dancing fucking geckos everywhere when Johnny Damon hit the only homerun of the game)
P.C. Richard and Son
Blackberry
Autotrader.com
French's
Nathan's

Yeah. And that's not a complete list, that's what I could actually spot from my seat on the very highest row in the ballpark, a position greatly alleviated by the fact that I wasn't sitting in the upper deck, I was in the "Grandstand." Which I'm surprised isn't the name for Standing Room Only seats, actually.

--An entirely empty section at field level and an all-but empty (two residents) section on the mezzanine level. Seatfillers, Oscar-style, can't be far away now, since Yankee management can't possibly be rational enough to drop prices and even reconsider the 3% spike coming in 2010.

--I also heard the humming, annoying ventilation/AC unit all night long. Don't believe what anyone tells you, because that much technology can't be needed to ventilate/cool a stadium on a night as cold as last. I said it. Yankee Stadium becomes a motherfuckin' airship when necessary, and there will be a playoff game played at 30,000 feet, or maybe a battle between Jorge Posada and Kain, captain of the Dragoons. Yep, that's where the last $750 million went.

--As far as the experience from the cheap seats is concerned, the above says all. (Thanks to It's About The Money, Stupid.)

--Things I could have seen: another man's dick at the urinals. Not that I'm uncomfortable with the situation, accustomed as I am to the trough situation in Fenway, but a blog whose name I can't say here, amusing as it is, has exposed that there are separators between the urinals in the men's bathrooms at field level...and that's it. But I have to say, the Gruel stand in the Grandstand was fairly filling, and I only got flogged five times over the course of the game, thrice by the same monocled gentleman. Curse my poor blood and my poor luck.

--Oh, and Bret Gardner made one of the hardest catches I've ever seen in person, diving backwards for a well-struck Giambi ball in the 1st, the Yankees, oddly struck out no one until the next to last out of the game, and it was a generally close and entertaining game. But the ballpark gets a C-, effectively a D until prices drop. Two things I didn't get to see were the Yankee Museum (long, long line, and we were there early) and Monument Park turned Monument Cave.

I didn't see Monument Cave, pictured, barely, because Lasko and I didn't understand until leaving that you had to go under the cave to get in, and not under. Burying your history only technically preserves it, insomuch as caves are airtight and free of light. Also, this particularly Cave is a lie. Lest we forget the promise:

Renovated Yankee Stadium was primarily a dump, but New Yankee Stadium is only alive amongst the untouchables, and was overestimating the importance of the rich and fickle even in a pre-September 2008 economy. They attempted to build an all-suite hotel when they would have been better off with an All-Bleacher Stadium. The dream is over.

Four: square. Five....

2009-04-21T12:39:00.003-04:00

I knew the Red Sox were better than their start, but I can't say I was sure we were going to make it to .500 in April. But a four-game winning streak squared that off, and the fifth has even brought us up for a gasp of air. Every game of the streak had a particular positive point or three to it as well, like this team is a switchboard being brought alive one flip at a time. Follow me, here:

4/16: Boston 8, Oakland 2

Positives: Tim Wakefield may have staying power in this rotation after all, Lineup scores more than 5 runs for the first time this year with a big 8th inning.

I've seen Wakefield have stuff this good, but never this consistently in the strike zone. 76 strikes out of 111 pitches, and that includes the 8th and 9th innings, where his stuff, and his no-hitter, faded. Also, George Kottaras looks very comfortable catching him, and smacked a nice study double. Nice day of baseball. I'd love to see Wakefield keep it up tonight.

4/17: Boston 10, Baltimore 8

Positives: Huge comeback, a big SIX shutout innings by the bullpen (including 1.2 IP of Ramon Ramirez's current 8.1 IP sans runs; the Coco Crisp trade looks good so far), another 10 runs of offense.

Negatives: Brad Penny, obviously, although his stuff was good, and the curveball Nick Markakis yanked for a grand slam was a good guess, not a bad pitch. And those uniforms. And those horrible, horrible hats. Look, hanging sox hats are for bank robbers, not ballplayers. It's bad enough the road unis feature BLUE sox.

4/18: Boston 6, Baltimore 4

Positives: Youkilis' four hits, Tek's third homerun, Ortiz's multihit game, Josh Beckett except for his shitty inning. The least endearing victory of the streak so far. But a win's a win.

4/19: Boston 2, Baltimore 1

Positives: Jon Lester. Had two bad innings more than two bad starts, but seeing him deal properly certainly eases some of our collective concerns that the innings spike last year will take its toll. (See Hamels, Cole.) This is still something to watch, but man, he threw a great game. And Saito was just good enough to save it.

Patriots Day: Boston 12, Baltimore 1

Positives: Where to begin? An excellent spot start by the tall, bald, white Jamaican, another 3.2 shutout innings by the pen, 4 hits for Pedroia, and a general offensive deluge. But most notably, some power by David Ortiz, in the form of a double and a triple. Opposite field, most promisingly. It could all come back. It could all come together.

Off to the house that ~~George~~ New York Taxpayers built tonight. I'll have notes.

Don't Die Just Yet (and, predictions)

2009-04-14T10:37:00.004-04:00

Apologies for being away a ways, all; just returned from a vacation in New Orleans that was...too good. I'm bitching and moaning at 39 degree weather in the Brooklyn mornings and wondering why liquor isn't available at all hours (and MD 20/20 isn't available in all flavors), and none of that is much me. But at least the time away distracted me slightly from baseball.

Those nice new roadies are looking worse with every passing loss, and this is a dispiriting start, but the time for panic isn't nigh just yet. Games have been largely close, Jon Lester's woes have been largely in 2 particular innings pitched with 10 runs, and they've had chances to win every game they've lost. Excepting last night. Gasp. That's some pretty lame excusage, eh?

That being said, I still have to give up my predictions for the year, as made 12 days ago. (The Professor and Lasko can confirm the date mark.) I want to move the Rays up, and the Royals down, and am obviously feeling shakier than ever about the Sox, but I'm duty-bound. It's gotta get better from here, all. There just isn't that much room to fail harder.

AL CENTRAL
1. Indians
2. Twins
3. Tigers (Gallaraga's a horse, and Verlander has to come back to form at some point. Otherwise, how was this team so good and young and talented for most of one season, and so meh since? Also, anxiety disorders can't be tested with blood tests, you fucking Tiger PR donks. Free Dontrell!)
4. Royals (I'm not saying the Royals will be "the next Rays!" as some baseballers have. I'm saying that Greinke could well win the Cy this year, Gordon is learning, and the impending friendship of Coco Crisp and Kyle Farnsworth...well, that's my next sitcom pitch once I sell "Barry and Gary.")
5. White Sox (Also could be the Tigers here. But nothing burns so brightly as a mediocre team with Ozzie as manager.)

AL WEST
1. Angels (I want to pick the A's. I really want to pick the A's. I think this one will be down to the wire. I think the Angels are just good enough, and that Matt Holliday is playing for Oakland a year ahead of when he should.)
2. A's (Could be another big three or so in the rotation coming; like bad Polish food, though, they need seasoning.)
3. Rangers
4. Mariners (old Griffey will hit 3-9 HRs total in Safeco.)

NL EAST
1. Mets (Also for the 3rd year in a row. Having basically fixed their cause for downfall from last year, what will go wrong this year? Find out!)
2. Phillies (I gave them the WC before I realized, I don't think Cole Hamels is going to be healthy this year.)
3. Braves (Lowe could win a lot of games this year, if not over the whole contract.)
4. Marlins (in the new stadium, they will be the Miami Marlins. Now all they need to do is move to the AL, and lose to the Cubs in the World Series in a few years, and Back to the Future II will be prophetic.)
5. Nationals (I think in the spirit of Julian Tavarez's comments, I'll be calling this team 600 pound J. Lo for awhile.)

NL CENTRAL
1, Cubs (Not as many wins as last year. Zambrano's going to have a 14-13, 4.35, too many walks sort of year. Fukudome still sucks, but the Horry Cow shirt seems to be less popular at least.)
2. Brewers
3. Cardinals
4. Reds
5, Astros
6. Pirates

NL WEST
1. Diamondbacks (One pick I might change, but I just feel like they have more upside than the Dodgers as a whole, and year 2 of the Webb/Haren combo will be still better than year 1. I'd be more at ease with this pick if LA hadn't resigned Furcal. I dunno.)
2. Dodgers (WC)
3. Giants (who could sneak up on everyone in this division and actually be dangerous in the playoffs. They'll take the Hitless Wonders throne away from the 1906 White Sox.)
4. Rockies
5. Padres (worst record in baseball)

Divisional Series
Red Sox beat Angels (as easy a phrase to write as Rock beats Scissors)
Yankees beat Indians (5 games, Carmona is as awful as he was awesome in the 2007 ALDS)

Diamondbacks beat Mets (5 games. Webb wins two, Haren loses game 2, wins game 5.)
Cubs beat Dodgers (Payback, motherfuckas!)

Championship Series

Red Sox beat Yankees in 5 (crucial play of Game 5 is a bases loaded off-the-glove error by Jeter to let in the winning run in the 12th. New York tabloids publish no paper the day after, in shock. A-Rod rejoices in relief.)

Diamondbacks beat Cubs in 6

World Series

Red Sox beat Diamondbacks in 5 (a series forgotten as quickly as it's played, marking 6 years since a World Series made it 6.)

MVPs:
G. Sizemore (since I've been picking him since he was born)
M. Ramirez (Pujols will have better numbers, but this will also be a lifetime achievement award)

CYs:
Francisco Liriano (was great down the stretch. and I had to make an unsafe pick.)
T. Lincecum (kid is sick)

Rookies:
Elvis Andrus
Cameron Maybin

Comeback Player of the Year
Dennis Ray "Oil Can" Boyd

""What you seek is nowhere; but turn yourself away, and the object of your love will be no more." -Ovid

2009-03-17T11:22:00.005-04:00

There's nothing I can plausibly add here.

Except maybe to ask, does A-Rod know what happened to this guy?

Center for Papelbondian Disease Control

2009-03-13T15:03:00.004-04:00

Manny Ramirez= Cancer.

Wil Cordero= Lupus, or any other auto-immune disease that batters the shit out of you.

Jose Canseco= Gigantism.

Shea Hillenbrand= Kidney failure.

Rob Deer= Severe flatulence.

Grady Little= Alzheimer's.

John McNamara= Syphillis, long untreated. You know, like, Ibsen-style.

Don Zimmer= Diabetes, at the onset of complete blindness.

Matt Clement= Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Rudy Seanez= Diarrhea.

Ramiro Mendoza= Munchausen Syndrome.

Eric Gagne= Gangrene.

Frank Castillo= Mono.

Ramon Martinez= Osteoporosis.

Carl Everett= Super-AIDS, or any other horrible disease not mentioned in the Bible.

36 Possible Team Names For a New Baseball League

2009-03-12T14:04:00.003-04:00

Everyone wants to be Bill Shea, if not Charles Weeghman. I was bored in a meeting, so I came up with some names for my new baseball league, the Galaxy League, so named for the dimensions it will some day take. (The first expansion team of our interplanetary move in 2040? Obviously, the Mercury Mets.

Most of these names are new, others are brought back from obscurity to where they belong, a different kind of obscurity. Enjoy.

Louisiana Lookouts
Indianapolis Clowns
Providence Grays
Portland (Me.) Islands
New Hampshire Minutemen (voted in, over Primaries)

Atlanta Flames
Charleston Gentlemen
Oklahoma City Barons (or, if they pilfer this franchise, Robber Barons)
Chicago Untouchables
Philadelphia Brawlers

Kansas City Monarchs
Albany Senators
Seattle Poseidons
Utah Bees
Brooklyn Robins (pretty awesome naming reason: if Terry wins another flag, can we play as the Boston Titos for a day?)

Albuquerque Gauchos
Edmonton Explorers
New Haven Winchesters (most NRA-friendly team name since the Houston Colt .45s)
Phoenix Rising
Las Vegas Silver

San Francisco Bullitts
St. Louis Continentals
Boston Militia
Miami Marinas
Houston Planets
Dallas Sheriffs

Memphis Pharaohs
New York Empires
New Orleans Satchmos (why not? everything else in N.O. is already named after Louis.)
Vancouver Black Wolves
Ottawa Owls
New Jersey Generals
San Antonio Defenders
Los Angeles Agents
San Diego Missions

Minneapolis New Power Generation

The World Baseball Classic: it matters?

2009-03-11T16:42:00.004-04:00

The World Baseball Classic was effectively born yesterday. All the things I hate about it proved their value, at least this once, as one of the more or less hopeless teams proved itself good enough to get fortunate, one of the best teams looked rusty and confused, and it became clear from the way each team celebrated taking the lead in the 11th inning that the game mattered to them. And not just to get a job.

The biggest flaw in the World Baseball Classic--yeah, it's fucking March, too early for even this lowly blog to post every week--has proved to be one of the best things about it. Preparation could be a leveling factor over talent when pitchers have their stuff together more than hitters have their timing, as was the case as a few will-bes and never weres shut down the seemingly mighty D.R. lineup for ten full. (One of the will-bes is a Sox prospect, Curacaoleno Dennis Neuman. Nice 1.2 IP there, kid.)

And, of course, sometimes talent obliterates all else. Ubaldo Jimenez, who was essentially unhittable but also uncontrollable in a taut Game 2 of the 2007 World Series, reminded me of me playing MLB 2K8 against a friend who never had. I would say, "I'm throwing a fastball," and he would miss every time all the same; Ubaldo struck out 10 of the 14 batters he faced, with two weak hits thrown in for pity's sake. That's some Steve Nebraska shit no matter who you're playing.

In the end, it actually kinda came down to who fucked up less, as Gene Kingsdale badly misplayed a likely single, with two outs, into a single with two-base-error to score a runner from first. With two outs. This needs be emphasized.

But guess who singled the tying run home, advanced to third on an error, and scored on a hard-hit ball to first that was still, yes, an error? Kingsdale. Is this great baseball? No. Was it amazing TV, and an unexpected March gift? Oh, hell yes. For the other advantage the WBC has in March is the same thing that is that disadvantage that now seems like an advantage (whew): it's in March.

Pre-March Madness March.

Pre any sports on TV to watch March.

(The entertainment value of the run-and-gun Knicks has dissipated as their results have become more inevitable. To use a Frazier-ism, they're just suckin' and chuckin' these days.)

And we have ourselves a George Mason beats UConn before the tournament. Long live the Orange.

Spring Training--Quick Darts.

2009-02-26T11:50:00.006-05:00

ITEM! The inevitable begins. I see a murder-suicide involving Dusty Baker one of these days. (However, the gunman is going to be Mark Prior.)

ITEM! Baseball Prospectus and CHONE projections are out, and a few things are apparent, if you take these at face value (which, of course, you should not):

1) Holy fucking shit is the AL East a loaded division this year.

The Orioles stand to get better if not win more games, the Blue Jays are a pesky .500ish squad for as long as they choose not to trade Roy Halladay (note: not long), and as for the top three, we needn't say more.

The Yankees and Sox project well in both models, as well as within two games of each other in both models. This could be a good 'un.

2) The NL East ain't shabby either.

Three good teams, one good race, one big problem (it's the National League) which renders them all 91-87 win teams.

3) These ain't your daddy's Angels. Unless your daddy remembers when they sucked.

I saw an earlier version of the BP model where the A's won the division with 82 or 83 wins...did someone just bitch out, or was Bobby Abreu that much of a game changer? (Him and his awesome glove, I mean?)

In any case, the West seemingly ain't what it used to be, but the Angels look just good enough for it, although a Matt Holliday-enhanced Oakland youth movement seems dangerous to me. They do look up to another first-round playoff loss though. The more things change...

4) Best race in baseball: the race for 6th place!

CHONE has the Astros losing a measly 90 games to be their lowest ranked and least-winning team; BP sees something even more exciting, with the 'Stros and Pirates battling all year long to delve the depths, and the Pirates finally losing 98 games to beat Houston out. Woo!

(Additionally, this is why I like BP's model: it doesn't have everything falling or rising to the mean and instead actually takes some chances.)

Also, the Indians are back. Hard luck season last year, no surprise there for me. Will I pick Grady Sizemore for MVP for the 4th straight year? Wait and see.

ITEM! Josh Beckett is back....to KILL! Well, this remains to be seen, but when you consider just how early the misfortunes of 2008 began for my namesake, it's amazing he had the season he did.

If he stays healthy enough, perhaps taking a DL vacation in July, Beckett's 2009 will make up for any problems Jon Lester has bouncing back from a hefty innings load in 2008. If he doesn't, there are problems.

If both are healthy and powerful, and I say this with respect to forces acquired by the New York Blackwaters, there will be no AL East race. That's not so much a big statement as it is a big if.

ITEM! The Boston media, like the rest of us, has no idea how the Bard-Wakefield pairing is going to work out, but hey, one start, so good?

Ideally, I'd like to see Varitek take a few Wakefield starts (partially in penance) and a more flexible, 60/40 arrangement between the two catchers, but we'll see how Tito does making actual decisions about catching for the first time. If anyone can balance 'Tek's ego and pride to the realities of age, it's him.

ITEM! Manny Ramirez will be a Dodger, or Scott Boras will lose clientele ultimately. At some point, you just can't invent more generous offers and bullshit and waste your client's time. $25 million this year, the possibility of $20 million next, but year #2 is on you? Sign. Play problem-free for a season, Manny, and mayhaps you'll get an actual multi-year deal in 2010. Don't, and, see Abreu, Bobby.

Evaluating the Starters. (Starter Jackets, that is.)

2009-02-20T11:58:00.012-05:00

Smoothing and spinning the hat I always understood, but why did you have to slam the hat, Jazz? That hurts your scalp, yo. Never understood that. Just for that, get out of my house. Twelve times!

Anyway, with as many starters as the Red Sox are going into this season, what we've got is equivalent to DJ Jazzy Jeff's closet circa 1992...only in some cases, it's circa 1993 but quite clearly 2009. Starter and Reebok Pumps were signs of spoiled youth, clever theft, or just plain "coolness" in my middle school days; nowadays, you can't even pull that look with a straight, or crookedly ironic, face in Williamsburg.

I think the elements of success are in this rotation, but who will be in the front of the closet and who in the back? Let's make the natural comparison

JON LESTER: Custom "MASS APPEAL" Jacket

Clean, simple, and reliable for years to come, it would seem. There are definite innings concerns for him next year, but what can't be denied is that he took a major leap forward. Some regression is very possible; a slide is not likely.

As for the jacket, you can wear it for years to come. It's not retro. It is what it is. Mass appealin'.

JOSH BECKETT: Authentic black Los Angeles Raiders Jacket

The cream of the Starter lot, so as with any old school style, it has a chance of appearing played out. Don't believe it. Beckett has been playing a good year-bad year pattern lately, but his BABIP was up last year while his strikeouts weren't significantly down. I'm not saying he'll pitch a 2007-esque season. Just that he will pitch much closer to that. (AND that 2008 wasn't even much of an off-year.)

If his oblique wasn't ripped to shit, we might be celebrating back to back championships right now, and Beckett knows it. You think he's that type? As one cat who wore this jacket would have put it, Don't believe the hype.

DAISUKE MATSUZAKA: Custom Claw Money Jacket

Is this a great jacket? A hideous swirl of stripes? Something I admire but couldn't possibly wear?

Did Daisuke Matsuzaka have a great season last year? A lucky weird one? Can he actually keep living on the razor's edge? Will he ever become a, gulp, 6-inning pitcher?

In order, my answers: Yes, Yes, Yes, Almost, Somewhat, Yes, Yes. His worst case scenario is better than the best case of pitchers his age. He's gaining confidence in his stuff, even if that confidence takes a most peculiar form: "You don't want to swing? Take your base. Whatever." Even with all the hard-to-watch starts to come, I delight in three more years of Daisuke and hope Boras doesn't screw us out of more.

TIM WAKEFIELD: Old "Pat Patriot" New England Patriots

Wakefield will end the season in the bullpen. The regular season, that is. And that's my optimistic view.

From his earliest days in Pittsburgh, Wakefield looked like a man out of time, and that was when there were still other knuckleballers in the league. Now? Well, not to say it isn't a physical task, but when your back and shoulder are acting up as you throw 65 mph wobblers in, the end is nigh. I hope he's good enough for the early season. I hope that he doesn't obliterate the catching situation. (Varitek, the day you dreaded has come at last...c'mon, catch the dancing ball.)

This jacket looks cool on a young man, meh on an older man, and just old on an old man. God bless Tim Wakefield, but his time is nigh.

JOHN SMOLTZ: Atlanta Braves Jacket

If he succeeds, as PECOTA seems to believe, it'll be the same old Smoltz. If he fails, it'll be the same old injury-prone Smoltz. He'll give all his has any which way. You have any doubts on this? Who do you think we signed here, Steve Avery? Nah, that would never happen.

BRAD PENNY: Simple, clean San Francisco 49ers Jacket/ Hideous Los Angeles Clippers striped jacket

Penny's 2007 was really good. Really, really good. Like David Ortiz's.

Penny's 2008 was really awful, largely due to injury problems. Much, much worse than David Ortiz's. And he's a starting pitcher, so his concerns are more concerning even than those upon a stout slugger.

What are we going to get out of Brad Penny? Simple. Awesomeness. Or awfulness. What, you wanted a prediction?

CLAY BUCHHOLZ: Three-tone Florida Marlins cap

I like teal, in spite of the 1990s and uniforms. I like black. I like white. The mix on this cap? Not so much. Clay's got three plus-plus pitches but needs to learn the mix. AAA for now, kid.

MICHAEL BOWDEN: This Kansas Jackhawks jacket, as worn by this man.

No self-respecting man would wear this jacket. No self-respecting contender relies on a kid like Bowden when he doesn't yet have two solid pitches to rely on. He might have decent results if forced into action this season, but at what cost?

JUSTIN MASTERSON: Space Cadet Uniform (not made by Starter)

This guy is one of the strangest two-way pitchers I've ever seen, and his future is either as a solid starter or an excellent reliever. For now, his value is in the bullpen; if Saito and Ramirez find their comfort zone, though, and any of the current starters are slipping, everything changes.

It's nice to have a full closet, no?

A Better Press Conference: Alex Rodriguez's Answers, Rewritten

2009-02-19T16:33:00.003-05:00

Being a good liar is all about being a good truth teller; Alex Rodriguez has failed to learn this lesson over a career where, no matter how he struggles, he's never met the credibility/authenticity.

Think of him defending the slap play.

Think of him accepting, "gratefully," the captaincy of the Texas Rangers in the brief limbo between the death of the Red Sox trade and his move to New York.

Think of any comments you can when he and Boras voided his infamously massive contract in an obvious effort to upstage the World Series. Actually, better still, don't think of that last one. It angers the blood.

And now, think of what you've seen of the Alex Rodriguez story from Alex Rodriguez's own words, between the bullshit 60 Minutes interview, the equally bullshit Peter Gammons interview, and the possibly lesser bullshit presser from earlier this week. Try to connect the story, between those three, without making judgments on what belongs and what doesn't. I did, and here's what I came up with.

Yep. I came up with Cats' Cradle on steroids, my hands hopelessly tied, none of my neighbors are helping me out, and I'm Daniel Day-Lewisin' like a motherfucker to write this post.

You can't untie a Gordian knot, you can only slice it. So I took notes during the presser and came up with better answers to the 26 questions/labors made of Alex Rodriguez. Let's go for something plausible, consistent, and everything else that ol' A-Hole won't be. Let's try it again.

(Note: I took notes, not a transcript. Nothing is exact here.)

Pregame

Reality: Alex Rodriguez is 20 minutes late to his own hanging.

Rewrite: Do not antagonize the press. A-Rod shows up fifteen minutes early in a very nice suit, with several copies of his resume printed on an excellent, high-stock paper, and a box of chocolates just in case his old friend Selena Roberts is around. That's how you get the job, my boy!

Question 1: Would you have made this confession on your own?

Reality: A-Hab answers, "I haven't thought of it."

Rewrite: Haven't thought of it? Of course not. That's still not an answer, and in the Q&A format, it's not supposed to be that obvious you aren't answering it. Haven't thought of it? Do you have a brain currently attached to your lips, or do those blue motherfuckers flap on their own, like a lizard's tail flapping around after being cut from the body? If there's a brain there, think of an answer! Such as the honest one. "Hell nah. Next question?

Question 2: You said you did it feeling the pressure of being the highest paid athlete in Texas, but in pressurized New York, you discontinued? Why?

Reality: Some bullshit sob story boo hoo I never went to college, I didn't grow up, I had a neck injury (?), "Since then, I've realized that I didn't any of it."

Rewrite: Every time you say, "I didn't need any of it," as you did on the 60 Minutes interview, you increase the possibility of an insane fan stabbing you with a needle 0.95%, Rod. That's more than you think. This is like a rich man embezzling $320 million dollars and then telling the world, expecting forgiveness, "I realized I didn't need any of it." As your PR agent, I can't work with those words.

As for the question, which you didn't answer, why don't we go with something like,

"Over those three years, from my life, and from my mistakes, I learned a lot, and I knew I had to stop what I knew was wrong. New York was just a great chance for me to restart my career the right way in the greatest city on earth. (Cheers from Post and Daily News media, embarrassed applause from Times)"

Kick ass.

Question 3: What was the benefit of taking it, and what did you notice it when you did stop?

Reality: "I'm not sure what the benefit was." (?!) Goes into horrible placebo prop humor. "If you take this glass of water and say you're gonna be a better baseball player, if you believe it, you probably will be.

Rewrite: (Sighs.) If you really didn't know, and it's possible, as some have said you didn't shoot your "Boli" enough for it to have its fullest effects, you've still gotta make something up. Say you didn't feel stronger but you did find you could work out more often. Say it gave you superhuman strength, but only to save people from burning buildings. Do NOT tell us that steroids' primary value is that of a glass of your magic water. We've seen Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa, and we're seeing you through a new set of lenses here too. Say something less than the truth, but say something.

(Although Line 3 says we might be able to market A-Rod's Magic Water. I'll get back to you on that.)

Question 4: Did you take a pill or was it injected?

Reality: "Injected." (Top notch! That reporter should be ashamed to have wasted his one question in a no-followups presser like that, but well-played. No rewrite needed.)

Question 5: Do you consider it cheating?

Reality: "That's not for me to determine." (Repeats some stuff from the Gammons interview)

Rewrite: Let's go back to the question:

"Do"

You understand this word, I think.

"Do you consider"

This is a question directed to you, now.

"Do you consider it cheating?"

Oh! See, this means it's a question you were asked to determine!

I'm on the verge of taking the motherfucking Varitek job right now rather than continue to be your PR agent, Alex, and that guy is living on 2nd adjustable-rate mortgage borrowed time. We gotta answer the question somehow, although I know we can't say "I do consider it cheating, and I'm sorry." Let's go with, "I don't know about cheating, but I do know now it was wrong, and I apologize to the fans." Eh, good enough.

Question 6: Tyler Kepner of the Times: Quotes Jamie Moyer on A-Rod's lack of cred, trying to get a response.

Reality: "He's entitiled to that opinion. I understand their doubt, but there are things I can control, things I can't." (It's a dodge, but for right now, it's the best we can do, Rod. Good job. Don't forget to get into a brawl with Moyer in Spring Training though if he hits you with that 55 mph fastball.)

Question 7: George King of the Post asks, Was it this cousin of yours who transported the steroids, and what was his name?

Reality: Yes it was, and no, I won't give that name for relevancy reasons.

Rewrite: I can't help you. Wait, maybe I...

(Drinks half a fifth of Cutty Sark.) Remember when we had you sat down with Gammons, throwing you plush softballs? That woulda been a good time to get this info out, the name included. (Two days after, it came out anyway.) "Relevency" is an idiotic excuse in a quasi-investigation where everything is fair game, but....eh. (Drinks other half of the fifth.)

Question 8: How do you address parents who have to talk their kids about the fact that you profited from this?

Reality: Apologize, point to Don Hooten, make me almost believe you care, just like I trained you. Didn't I tell you that $20K to Hooten would be well-spent? I told you! A-Rod is for the chil'ren!

Question 9 and 10: Did you know it was steroids and did you consider the consequences?/ As someone who monitors everything that enters your body, how could you let something you didn't know in?

Reality: "I didn't know it was steroids. It was over-the-counter, it was pretty basic, and it was amateur hour...we probably didn't even take it right. I wish I knew. I was 24...I was 25..."

Rewrite: (Opens second fifth of Cutty Sark, hyperventilates into tote bag for a moment.) When I was 18, I nearly burned down a dorm stairwell, Rod, 'cuz I was young and dumb enough to leave unattended incense burning over a trash can. Black Cherry, I think. The cops let me go.

You know what I'd do if they came to me when I was 25 and I'd done some shit like that? I'd beg them to arrest me, or at least beat me on the head a few times. Anything to knock the dumb out of me.

25 (your age at that time) is young, but it's old enough to know better.

(Spills some whiskey waving the bottle around) I'm not rewriting this. It's your fault for saying you didn't know like people care, or aren't, in fact, more contemptuous of you for "not knowing." This isn't 1993, and with steroids you can't smoke but not inhale, you lil' bastard.

(Finishes half of the second fifth of Cutty.) What? Did you fill the syringe but only inject half? Did you smoke it? Or did you willfully keep yourself ignorant because you thought it might be handy at a time like this to have deniability? How's that working out for you?

(Douses self in Cutty Sark, pulls out Zippo) I quit.

CBSSportsLine.com screen capture courtesy of Deadspin.

2008-09 New York Post Headlines for CC Sabathia.

2008-12-10T15:45:00.007-05:00

DADDY FAT STACKS
CC signs record pitcher deal.

WHERE'S THE BEEF?
Sabathia starts 0-3; Yankee hopes in slow start already running thin.

CLASH OF THE TITANS
Sabathia pitch whizzes past David Ortiz's head; both players ejected, Yankees win.

OH SAY CAN YOU CC?
Sabathia pitches complete game no-hitter on America's, George Steinbrenner's, birthday.

LIVIN' LARGE
Sabathia winning streak reaches 5; Yankees take wild card lead.

FATTY FATTY BAT SMACK
Red Sox batter Yankees 12-2; Sabathia lasts just 1.2 IP.

CC SO-FATTY-BLAH
Yankees eliminated from playoff contention as Sabathia loses, 3-2; mere 15-win season leaves New York calling for blood.

SABATHIA IS A FAT FAT OVERPAID FAT FAT FUCK. FAT FAT.
A very special Joel Sherman column.

(In 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series, and Bush got reelected. 2008's a better year.)

2008-11-06T16:21:00.002-05:00

Another bad sign?

2008-10-15T14:33:00.004-04:00

Citgo sign on fire? Electrical problems, my ass. Put that blunt out.

ALDS GAME 4: The light's fading.

2008-10-15T08:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, that was a bad loss. Bad enough that the very dependable automated typewriter the Globe secretly replaced Dan Shaughnessy with after the 2004 season broke down:

"Fenway Park is already a morgue. Six feet under. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. @@)(#*)!)($_@#. Crush. Kill. Destroy."*

Tim Wakefield was chucking up lobs early and often, although Manny Delcarmen's return to shite form sealed the deal. But on the bright side, it was our best performance against Andy Sonnanstine yet! That'll come in handy when he comes back later in this series. Right?

(Checks pitching match-ups.)

Oh yeah. Right.

This is not 2007, in that this is not "Win one, go home for two." It's win one, pray that something resembling Josh Beckett shows up, then take your chances in Game 7.

It's bad. So bad. So not good. So bad. Tan mal.

*Quote slightly embellished. Could you tell?

ALDS GAME 3: Why do I smell burning?

2008-10-14T09:50:00.004-04:00

Red of Surviving Grady has the optimism going today. I just don't feel like writing about what I saw, except to maybe say that if Paul Byrd was going to pitch like that if he came into Game 2 in the 5th inning (or even the 11th), I apologize sincerely to Terry Francona for doubting him. (And just wish we had David Aardsma on the roster instead of Dave Ross.)

Lester wasn't bad, just off. Just one awful inning.

Garza wasn't great, but no one hit. If shallow pop flies to center were home runs, David Ortiz would be having the greatest postseason ever.

It's 9:54 in the fucking morning and just talking about this makes me want a drink.

Are you ready to catch Wakefield fever? (Symptoms include a constant movement in the stomach/bowels similar to the movement on the knuckleball, sharp stabbing pains hit deep to left, and anal bleeding. Better call 1-800 54-GIANT.)

2008 ALCS Backwater Series, Part 1: A split's a split.

2008-10-13T16:40:00.004-04:00

Having escaped the first of our possible two two-game backwater mini-series with a split, the result, from a straightforward perspective, is good. From an offensive perspective, even including "Big Game" James Shields' mastery (although, sorry, your nickname is taken), the corpse of Jason Varitek, and the decoy status of the Heavy-Set Patriarch, is good.

The pitching? Goes like this.

Surprisingly fucking awesome: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

Fucking awesome: The bullpen. (Javier Lopez's single pitch appearance being the only bullpen-related run, an inherited one at that.)

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit:

While Game 1 featured Terry Francona pressing his luck with Daisuke Matsuzaka starting the 8th and getting away with it, Game 2 featured Francona perhaps still more pressing his luck, leaving Beckett in after a very long top of the 5th, having shown no signs of out-making in his previous 4 innings out there. Aside from a 2-seamer similar to good ol' zinger, the arsenal of Josh Beckett was not there. Bad location, not many appearances of the real curveball, 92 mph fastballs down the plate...I don't know what to say here.

I'm too busy listening to the game right now to go on too long, but here's your basic math in the 9=8 dumb math thing.

Very good Matsuzaka plus mediocre Beckett plus excellent Lester = Mediocre Matsuzaka plus excellent Beckett plus very little Lester.

In other words, this could all work out.

But it's 1-0 Tampa now off a walk, a dink hit, some bullshit ball Varitek let get past him that transformed the situation dramatically, and the wouldabeen double play ball that scored a run. And so I must be going.

Prediction.

2008-10-10T12:20:00.002-04:00

Beckett will be back. His stuff was fine in Game 3 of the ALCS, now it's a matter of command.

Seriously, would you bet against this man? With all that cash, flames, and death around him?

Sox in 6.

Doc Morgan, Curt, and Nothing.

2008-10-09T12:08:00.005-04:00

Cute, Doc. If Curt had had his surgery in January, he would have been available for the ALCS.

Okay.

At which time, having not even pitched so much as a minor league rehab start, we would throw him into the heat of action, as surely as Steve Nebraska threw his famed 81-pitch perfecto in his first major league start, Game 1 of the World Series.

Of course.

Furthermore, Curt Schilling had no idea he was in poor health when he signed his easy $8 million in spite of comments he's made saying he "broke" his shoulder midway through last year and never fully recovered. None at all.

I believe that. (I also believe whoever on the Sox staff performed Curt's physical better be the trainer for a Cape Cod League team. Perhaps it was Dr. Craig Morgan?)

The bigger point here, doc, is that as my man Billy Preston put it, nothing for nothing leaves nothing. You gotta have something, if you wanna talk this shit.

A pitcher available just in time the American League Championship Series without any regular season starts is useful only to the most desperate of teams, usually the kind that don't make it that far.

And planning a player's season around his team making it to the ALCS is just stupid.

And attempting to get $8 million worth out of a pitcher in one, possibly two playoff series is genuinely impossible. The Red Sox needed some return on their value. They went for broke. It didn't work out. Surgery probably wouldn't have either.

Doc Morgan is proud of his work on Curt's shoulder, and that's great. He's so proud of his work that he's deeply disappointed Curt can't show it off in 2008; for that matter, he might not show it off in 2009. That's silly.

Schilling had it right the first time. And now, because he got it wrong the second time (Curt: "This city, this team. This is where we want to retire, raise our kids, and walk away.") we're fairly likely to see a dreadful half-season incarnation of the third time, probably not in Boston. The third time, in sports retirements, is rarely the charm.

Sometimes it's better to cut your losses than get booed off the stage. I'm clutching the cane just in case.

ALDS Post-Script Letter

2008-10-07T12:03:00.003-04:00

Dear John Lackey,

First of all, I feel your sadness. And so, I play this for you:

GROW THE FUCK UP. Are the Red Sox a better team than the Angels, definitively? No one can make such an assessment. Over these four games? Yes. Absolutely. No doubt.

Was it so tragic that "[Sunday] night they scored three runs on a pop fly that was called a hit, which was a joke." Depends. You know whose fault that was? YOUR TEAM. If any of them had at least made a move towards the ball and dropped it, they could have called it an error. Which would have been fair. And still scored three runs.

In other words, this comment constitutes throwing your defense under the bus. Which is your m.o. judging from the faces you made as Aybar let a Bay single go under his glove, and Figgins fucked up a throw to second. I bet your infield just loves playing behind you when you show them up.

What about how, "[Monday] night they scored on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out, and he's fist-pumping on second base like he did something great." Well, there's two points here.

The broken-bat ground ball out: with runners on first-and-third, a ground ball out can score a run. That's baseball. I agree with you that it is unfair that it didn't score via blistering single delivered straight for your ear hole, John. That would have been more fair, scored a run, and left you bleeding. From your ear hole.

The "fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out." Well, let's see.

--In Citizens Bank Park, PNC Park, Yankee Stadium, and many other fairly small parks: It's an out. Out of the park. Dustin Pedroia was robbed of two bases and one RBI here, and the Red Sox were robbed of a 3-0 lead, by your logic. Cue the violin.

--In Williamsport, PA: A super homerun. Orange slices for everyone as they beat Curacao! (Hey, you said anywhere in America, John. I'm staying true to your word.

--In Anaheim: A double unless ol' man Anderson is playing deep. Maybe even so. He kinda clocked this one. And in Anaheim in August, it's a home run.

--Most importantly, in Boston, when hit on October 6, 2008: A motherfucking double. That's the park. It's been that way for 61 fucking years, when the Monster was built. You think it's unfair? Go cry with Bob Feller and Pat Darcy, since Fisk's home run wouldn't have been a fair ball in, um, Petco Park.

The game is the game is the game, and for hitting a solidly hit double unplayable in Fenway Park, Dustin Pedroia has the God-given right to pump his fist. Your team employs a dickhole who celebrates every save like he just won the Powerball. What are you talking about, John Lackey?

These are the grapes I am eating right now. They are sweet and delicious, let me tell you. But don't take my word for it. Keep believing they're sour. You dumb, self-centered, arrogant fuck.

Look forward to facing you in 2009,

Josh

ALDS Wrap-Up: Jon Lester is the new ace, Rally Monkey is the new dead, Anaheim Angels are the new Chicago Cubs.

2008-10-07T10:18:00.004-04:00

Phew. I was jumping up and down when Jed Lowrie's hit went through, yes, but ultimately, were you celebrating this victory, or were you deeply, deeply relieved?

This wasn't exactly a "Eh, we can lose this one and get 'em the next game" situation, even if Buck Martinez thought this attitude was somehow responsible for a somewhat silent 3rd inning Fenway crowd. (Buck Martinez may have been a better manager than an announcer. I wish I was kidding.)

No, this was a, "We'd really better fucking win now, or we're taking our chances with our 3rd best starter, in Anaheim, having lost two heartbreakers in a row." This was Game 6 of the 1998 NBA finals, where the wounded Chicago Bulls wouldn't have even been able to suit up Scottie Pippen in Game 7. This was everything.

And wow, did it get harrowing. Game 3 was a huge factor in Game 4, because had Papelbon not pitched two innings, there is no way he wouldn't have come in with two on and two out in the 8th, for a four-out save. Instead, Torii Hunter came up big after Masterson crossed up Varitek on a wild pitch I still believe is officially a passed ball. Was Masterson bad last night? Er...kinda; I'd be more willing to give the benefit of the doubt had he not also almost put on the game-winning run with the leadoff double in the 9th. I still have faith in him all the same.

But let's focus on the positive.

Lester was magnificent. The shortest synopsis of this series I can give is: Lackey was very good, Lester was fucking brilliant.

Bay, as he put it himself, was better lucky than good on an end-of-the-bat double, but he was both lucky and good this series.

These shirts are stupid, but so is Papelbon, in just the right way.

We're going to miss Mike Lowell, but he was clearly a shadow of himself. As the two excellent plays Mark Kotsay made in Game 4 show (one a scramble forward that Youk wouldn't have had the speed to make, the other a classic over the shoulder catch), it might be a nice thing to have a center fielder playing first base. As for Youk, I've got no problem with a third baseman playing third base.

Relief pitchers dousing Boston police detective William Dunn. Why? Fuck the police.

Dustin, please, stop. You're hurting Daisuke.

John Henry is a pimp.

We may well have just beat the best team in either league this year, we may not have. It doesn't really matter now. Tampa Bay's legitimacy is unquestionable, as is the AL East's in 2008. They took one flag. Let's take the one that counts.

What's that a-chokin' in my throat?

2008-10-04T17:09:00.003-04:00

From a forward to me....

Dear Red Sox,

2008-10-02T15:18:00.002-04:00

Normally, I don't believe sports teams owe their fans anything, but I haven't been to any games at Fenway, so this is very different.

Beat the Angels. I want to see Game 5 of the ALCS in two weeks, goddamnit.

ALDS GAME 1: I guess these are the Angels after all.

2008-10-02T10:23:00.005-04:00

Another year, another series with Anaheim, a very different set of expectations, the very same result. Substitute a dominant performance from Josh Beckett for a stellar, slowly-building sort of start from Jon Lester, take a 2-run home run from David Ortiz and make it a vital, game-changing 2-run homer by Jason Bay, and the results aren't too different.

2007: Sox win 4-0, Lackey loses.

2008: Sox win 4-1, Lackey loses, bitches on about it.

It was a taut game where Lester started very shakily, but really found his footing and an absolutely wicked, downright spiteful curveball, as the innings went on. Even the run was unearned.

Justin Masterson's appearance in the 8th wasn't as shaky as it seemed--there was one solid single, one bloop made an out by a diving catch by an apparently-October-loving Jacoby Ellsbury (3-5, 2B, RBI), and one bloop over Youkilis' head made an out by Vlad Guerrero's dumb-assedness. Or forgetfulness that he wasn't fucking with Jason Giambi, or any other throw-averse first baseman. He was fucking with a bad motherfucker third baseman. And so he was out by three country miles. Thanks, Vlad.

A few insurance runs made this one go down easily in the 9th, and now we can give ourselves a hand while not going and sucking each others' dicks just yet.

(Well, maybe, maybe not. The 45 King's 2 a.m. text ["GAY FOR LESTER"] was merely the most overtly homoerotic Sox love message I received. I replied, "Gay for Bay." It's a special time of year.)

But I love Matsuzaka as my house money pitcher much more than as a pitcher of need. The Angels are a good but deeply mortal team with 100 wins fattened largely on the least competitive division in baseball. This could be fun.

More good news.

2008-10-01T16:06:00.003-04:00

Baseball Prospectus picks us. Far and away. Health don't fail us now.

Tick...Tick...(Checks watch, realizes it's actually ten hours to go.) Tick...

2008-10-01T12:07:00.002-04:00

It's actually good I'm going to be out on an anniversary date rather than waiting for this game to start, because the wait is going to be awhile. Yet another reason why not winning the AL East hurts: 10 p.m. starts to start this series. Work productivity in New England from the hours of 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. is about to go dramatically down. Just what this economy needs.

A moment of silence for the Minnesota Twins; if there were justice, the head-to-head tiebreaker would determine home field for the 163rd game rather than a fucking coin flip, but then again, the Twins had a chance to get their own justice. Against the Royals. Thus, they had to enter the blackout. (Dumbest fan stunt ever, by the way. What could be more intimidating than a crowd...that doesn't appear to be there?! Worked wonders for the Georgia Bulldogs last Saturday too.)

The Twins are a young team with good pitching, and a likeable team too; I'm sorry to see them go even if I think they're the more likely unlikely run of the two AL Central teams. A Chicago-Chicago World Series isn't happening, but the mere possibility of it is a heavy one. My parents live in Chicago. I don't want them to be around when Chicago '68 II: Ozzie Strikes Back! starts.

I almost care about the NL playoffs this year. The Cubs could be somewhat real.

...

...

Maybe I don't. The Cubs are the 2004 Cardinals redux: good to go down in 5 in the World Series unless the White Sox make it.

I don't know what to expect tonight. Lackey gives up home runs by the bunch this year, so I think he'll give up two tonight; the outcome of the game hinges on if there are runners on when they are hit.

Let's go get it.

Reasons the Angels Suck, #3-5

2008-09-26T11:48:00.004-04:00

3) ThunderStix.

They didn't invent them, but they make them (in)famous in America, giving lazy fans everywhere an alternative to using their precious palms and fingers and voices to make noise.

Males above the age of 11 who use these are akin to men of the same demographic who still bring a glove to the game. (Women are still allowed free reign in both categories, so long as they aren't wearing pink hats/jerseys.)

If you aren't the drum guy at Jacobs Field (or maybe, maybe, maybe cowbell guy), make noise the old-fashioned way, please. It's a slippery slope downward to megaphones, noisemakers, firecrackers and party favors.

4) Fake rocks in a stadium.

Is this a Par 3 or Par 2? Where's the pirate hole? Where's the goddamn windmill?

5) Los Angeles of Anaheim of California of...

You know the worst thing about Arte Moreno's idiotic gambit to jump through the city of Anaheim's legal loopholes while grabbing up the L.A. market? (Besides the fact that it serves as a reminder of what the Angels gave up oh so many name changes ago?)

The worst thing is, it's worked. The Angels are L.A's team. (For the moment.) Never overestimate the intelligence of Southern California.

On the plus side, Arte dropped beer prices.

Reasons the Angels Suck, #1-2

2008-09-24T09:34:00.004-04:00

1) This movie.

2) The third order standings at Baseball Prospectus (click to here and look below if you want an explanation but it's basically the most sophisticated Expected Wins/Losses in the game) go as follows across the Leagues:

Team W L
Red Sox 99.2 56.8
Rays 93.7 61.3
Cubs 90.6 64.4
Blue Jays 88.1 67.9
Yankees 87.1 68.9
Mets 85.1 70.9
Chi Sox 85.0 70.0
Dodgers 84.5 71.5
...
Angels 81.9 75.2

In other words, we're going against the weakest team in the AL. Kinda. Sorta puts the strength of the AL East in perspective too, when 4 of the division's 8 teams are in the top 8 in the majors. The AL West, you'll notice, is the only AL league without a team in the top 8. Angels were 11th, just .3 expected wins against the Indians.

So let's celebrate a little, bitches. Get Devern Hansack ready for a start. Build J.D. Drew an exoskeleton and get him some at-bats. It's coasting time.

Dear Bruce Dreckman,

2008-09-22T21:43:00.005-04:00

As an umpire, you probably know these things. All the same, let's review.

This is home plate.

This is not home plate, although it is within the strike zone you granted Rafael Betancourt in the bottom of the 7th. The pitch you said Josh Beckett was ball four for a walk earlier in the game was much more borderline, and was not in South Boston.

(Josh Beckett's pitches do not go into South Boston. They support busing and hate that bitch Louisa Day Hicks.)

In conclusion, if Derek Lowe was still on the Red Sox, this is the sign he would give you:

You're a dick and you have a record of it, too. Suck it dry.

Yours in Christ,

Josh

(Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap!)

2008-09-22T12:42:00.004-04:00

I was going to write something on the closing of Yankee Stadium, the most lucrative nostalgia stunt I can recall in recent baseball history, but Paul Lukas said everything I wanted to say and more.

And Deadspin collected all the Bronx charm of it all beautifully. ("Fucking Eskimos!")

So all I really have to add is my favorite Yankee Stadium story.

It's game 2 of the 2001 ALDS, and me and two friends managed, with surprising ease, to get three tickets to see the Yankees take on the A's; the party consists of:

--My friend Cameron, who would be a die-hard A's fan if it were legal to be die-hard about anything in the state of California, and who proudly wears a 2001 Wild Card Champions (an oxymoron if ever was one) into The Stadium. Cameron is a large man, bearded, with tremendous mushroomed hair, a beautiful full-blown Hebro.

--Matthew, not really a baseball fan, and thus there mainly for the spectacle and havoc to come.

--Myself, Red Sox fan/antagonist, clad in an unfitted A's cap I'd been given years back by a family friend, plastic backing of which just broke on me yesterday. (Omen?)

The seats we so easily acquired, I might have mentioned, were right field bleacher seats. Cameron and I knew very well we were risking our necks and lives, but he loves the A's, and I hate the Yankees. And after the game at last started, after a bizarre delay (even then, in the wake of you know what) to listen to President Bush give vague and jingoistic answers to questions in a rare press conference, the game begins, as does our unwanted attention.

When the Red Sox are in town, there are plenty of Sox fans in the Stadium stands.

When the Orioles, Blue Jays, or another nearby team are in town, there are pockets of their fans.

Even when the Angels are in town (post-2002), there are fans.

But there are rarely any A's fans in Yankee Stadium, and that night, we had to be the only ones.

Through a taut and thrilling pitching duel between Tim Hudson and Andy Pettite, the fans around us hardly seemed to watch the game. At least if they couldn't awkwardly position themselves to watch the game and wave their fingers at us which chanting that one magic word:

"AAASSSSHOLE! AAAASSSHOLE! AAASSSSHOLE!"

I was at once mildly terrified to be this alone in a sea of assholery and a bit amused, especially when most of the section was turned against us and thus didn't get to see the capper on the game, Ron Gant's 9th inning solo home run, the second and final run of the game. Matthew, clad in no man's gear, grinned ear to ear, contemplating the fiasco of our exit to come. And Cameron was probably too into the game to fully understand what he was in the middle of and would soon become the focal point of.

Because some time before the Gant home run, maybe around the 5th, the crowd seized upon my friend's unruly hair, and seized upon a moment of collective genius. Their invention was a chant.

(CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)

"GRIZZZ-LEEE AHHH-DAAMS!"

(CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)

"GRIZZZ-LEEE AHHH-DAAMS!"

On our way walk-running out of the Stadium, I didn't hear the very first call of "Take off your hat!" from a truly Bronxian voice, unfair as that ritual is. ("My" team won: therefore, I "win" the right to wear it wherever I please, Sal.) So an anonymous hand tried to rip it off my head, and took my neck back aways with his reach. But I saved my hat and my neck, and the three of us got the fuck back to New Haven. But not before one guy, running faster than us, caught up with me. He had no shit to talk though.

He just said, "Ay, I jus'wanted to let you know, my brother Tom is sorry. He didn't mean it."

I left the old yard with genuine affection for it that day. The new one is such a reach of greed, it's a major reason my friend Patrick, forever a lover of Mattingly, no longer roots for the team.

Rest in peace, Yankee Stadium (II). You were no longer a thing of beauty, but you were what remained of the tarnished Yankee soul.

Dear Minnesota,

2008-09-18T23:08:00.001-04:00

You're awesome. Great win. Hope you take the ChiSox out, because they are dickholes. In this guy's model. (Except for good ol' Orlando Cabrera, of course.) Better still, good win for us. Sweep the Rays, and if we somehow meet you in the first round, I swear it will at least go 4.

Yours,
Josh

Fuck it....just fuck it.

2008-09-18T11:49:00.005-04:00

Get ready for Anaheim, people: unless this peppy little Little League team played themselves out in (AGAIN!) coming back from losing the first game in a Red Sox series to winning the series, we ain't taking no flag. What a miserable performance, although biggest demerits go to Wakefield, who had absolutely nothing, and Lopez, whose decision to field a weak dribbler from the side eventually allowed two more runs to score in a game already getting away from the Sox in the 3rd.

Who does Francona go with as his #4 starter in the playoffs? Count my vote for the weak-throwing guy who tips his pitches over the veteran who happened to throw one excellent 8 inning shutout start lodged between two turds. At this point, I'd rather see the shake than another knuckleball for the rest of the season; seriously. I'd almost rather see the Harlem shake for that matter.

Fuck it, we still got Beckett.

2008-09-17T12:08:00.006-04:00

Last night I was pissed about...last night, but in the light of day, fuck it.

Fuck that we can't hit Andy Sonnanstine. (So long as he's given strike three on curveballs that dance around the plate while never actually breaking the strike zone....I want laser sensors that actually detect a pitch going over the plate if not robotic umpires, stat.)

Fuck that the Rays celebrate wins like a buncha little leaguers.

Fuck it that this lil' minimally talented douchenozzle jumped up and down in pain on a pitch that actually hit his bat. Guess what it was called?

Fuck it all. You can't win many games when you can only score one unearned run. This will be a mightier lineup with Bay and (perhaps?) Drew rather than the all-"scrappy" team of Ellsbury, Crisp, and Kotsay, who I'm already tired of and kinda missing Bobby Kielty, or even Brandon Moss.

Fuck it, cause we've got Beckett, and he is back. Eight innings, 95 pitches, 7 strikeouts, 3 hits. Second straight very good/excellent start against a top AL team.

I don't know if we're taking this series, because I don't know which Wakefield will show up. But I have an oddly good feeling about our overall perspective with our rotation in the playoffs, two top-notch starters coming righty-lefty (Beckett-Lester), one usually excellent five-six inning pitcher (Matsuzaka), and a crafty veteran who is baffling when on (Wakefield). I feel pretty good about this team, still.

Taking the series would be nice, though.

We're all tied, let it fly.

2008-09-16T14:38:00.007-04:00

Look really closely at that image. Closer. Closer. See a little spec in one of those catwalks in the middle of this of this fucking awful 18 year old former hockey stadium? That's where Jason Bay hit his shot to begin the 7-run onslaught in the 4th inning that ended Scott Kazmir's terrible start, effectively ending the game and the Rays' divisional lead. Apparently the first of its C-Ring kind. (Nine years into Tropicana Field: The Baseball Years I still can't believe I'm talking about catwalks and baseball. This place and most of the thinking behind granting Tampa Bay a franchise into such a vacuum can suck a C-Ring (NSFW).)

Anyway. We're tied. Ladies and gentlemen, Sox and Rays we are unmoored from the chains of [#] GB, and are floating in space, respectively 12 and 14 games from season's end. Some say it doesn't much matter how this end and it just matters we prove we can beat up on Tampa wherever the game may be. I disagree. All I really want's a divisional crown to take the pain away.

Okay, right, I root for a team that has taken 2 of the last 4 World Series. Pain isn't really my power. All I really want's a divisional crown because I want a divisional crown and would rather let the Rays take their turn with the Angels first, damnit. The first round of the playoffs is the scariest one to survive, and the White Sox are the best possible matchup for the Red Sox in what would be a short, sharp shock of a series, while Rays-Angels seems like the definition of a 5-game series.

That and there's just something about pennants. There's no dishonor in taking the wild card, and we all know how far one can go off it, sometimes even for both Series opponents. But Wild Cards don't look right on a flag. You can't brag about second place as surely as you don't win friends with salad.

Beckett looked great last time out, and Sonnanstine is an old Irish term for "pushing one's luck. Grab that lead and let's start to hoist that rag, boys.

Tee-hee-hee.

2008-09-15T15:10:00.003-04:00

I love this picture. Reasons:

a) The contrast between Pedroia and Lyle Overbay, who looks 9' 8", 300 lbs, reminds you again that Dustin would have no right to be a professional [any sport other than baseball] player. I love this game.

b) The contrast between the infuriated Overbay, called out at 2nd (incorrectly), and Pedroia, who put on the "tag" and knew he wasn't out, smiling. It's an imperfect game. Gotta take joy in when you get away with one.

c) The mischevious grin. Reminds me of this dude.

One excellent Wakefield start was a no-doubter, but between the comeback game in the nightcap to the semi-disasterous Papelbon save where the "play" was the difference between tying runs on 2nd and 3rd, no outs, and runner on 3rd, one out, the other two wins were very much questionable outs. We played our way out of one this series, got away with another, and those wins are the stuff winning teams are made of.

Now, 1 game out from a still-struggling Tampa Bay (albeit, one going home), we have a bizarro repetition of last week. Yet, six games with Tampa and Toronto, this time on the road. It's going to be a tough week full of familiar matchups, starting with the pitch count takers' nightmare (Matsuzaka-Kazmir) and the mismatch-that-rarely-is (Beckett-Sonnastine), and it might not mean much as far as making the playoffs matters, actually. But as far as proving this team playoff ready, this is everything.

Oh, that and taking the AL East again and thus earning the right to concuss the already bloodied-up AL Central winner to be.

Let's go get it.

On losing 2 of 3 at home to the Rays....

2008-09-11T11:50:00.003-04:00

I'm too sleepy, hungover, and pissed off to say much about a series I feel like we really should have won. Having such a glorious comeback crushed in game 2 was bad enough; being unable to get much together against Sonnastine, playing Jon Lieber to Josh Beckett's Pedro Martinez circa game 2 of the 2004 ALCS, just pissed me off. Now we've got four games with the hottest team in baseball. The wild card still looks good, but fuck that.

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

Poop.

A brief political interruption.

2008-09-05T16:42:00.003-04:00

Because I've been in a few too many political arguments lately, and "I don't want more taxes!" keeps coming up, well, you're not going to be no matter who you vote for. But that tax-cut loose Obama, oh boy, he's reckless about his cuts.

Excellent run for the Red Sox lately. I swear to write about it after this weekend.

Dear Michael Silverman, c/o Boston Herald,

2008-09-02T12:08:00.002-04:00

You're straining. You're really, really straining here, Silverman. Red Sox must sweep or we question everything? Why now? Why not question their killer instinct before now? Why do they even need to catch up to the Rays? After going 18-9 in August and losing ground to them, who's to say they can even if they string two sweeps together? Since when do teams need to win three games in a row during any stretch of the postseason? Were you lost for any column angle today? Was I lost for a blog posting and instead felt the need to run together a list of inane questions? And what's the deal with airplane food?

Boston 11, New York 3.

2008-08-27T23:03:00.002-04:00

Nail, meet casket. Casket, nail.

Take A-Trip into A-Rod's A-Future!

2008-08-27T16:34:00.006-04:00

If it's an even year, everyone hates A-Rod and he's only 2nd in the AL in OPS instead of MVP, so it's no surprise that here in New York, no one is talking about the Red Sox. Double Play-Rod is the phrase du jour.

So I'd love to talk more about what an enjoyable game yesterday's victory was, from its rekindling my love affair with Coco Crisp (timely bloop hitting, clever and incredibly daring baserunning to score from 2nd on an infield single, something I've never seen before and something Coco had to be thinking of at just one glance at the ol' Dancing Mustachioed Bear there at 1st base), Justin Masterson (one thing he can do is induce the ground ball), Hideki Okajima (the precision-thrown curve he struck his fellow Hideki out with was a BALLsy pitch on a 3-2 count), and Terry Francona (for reshuffling the bullpen and putting Delcarmen into the Aardsma role, the wisdom of which was promptly rewarded with two walks and a single).

Yes, I'd love to. But when in Rome, act like the Romans. When in Brooklyn, we contemplate all the nicknames A-Rod's stupid nickname has spawned, and what may be next. Yes, this is Alex Rodriguez, past and future, two or so syllables at a time.

Babe-Rod

A-Child

A-Kid

A-Rod

A-Fraud (say the Mariners fans as he leaves for the $$$)

A-Yawn (the collective impact, in wins, of his Texas time)

Gay-Rod (Alex gets to make his first trips to Boston, Fenway fan base descends accordingly with A-Rod has AIDS t-shirts, I roll my eyes and open another bottle of Knob Creek)

Stray-Rod (she's kinda hideous except in a generic blonde sense, too)

Hey!-Rod (when this bullshit went down)

A-God (my friend Nick's name for him last season, fully justified; he was then promptly struck down by a bolt of lightning and A-Rod promptly sucked in another Yankees ALDS exit)

Double Play-Rod

Alimony-Rod

A-Bawd? (Alex Rodriguez's number found in Tampa madam's little red book; no charges filed.)

Overpaid-Rod! (NY Post headline at the conclusion of 2009 season, when he only hits, gasp, 32 HRs)

A-Mob (Yankee Stadium crowd attacks the field after Alex Rodriguez grounds out to end the last game of the season, putting the Yanks out of the playoffs for the third straight season. Alex survives with minor injuries, multiple foreign objects embedded in various locations.)

A-Slob (34-year-old Rodriguez shows up to spring training looking like Ray King. Has a resurgent power year in spite of "Fatty fatty fat fat!" taunts league-wide)

A-Hob(bled) (severe knee injury)

Kra-Rod (NY Post headline as "long-time good friends" Lenny Kravitz and Cynthia Rodriguez are wed. Editor who came up with this headline promptly fired.)

Blue Jay-Rod (or Ray-Rod, L.A.-Rod, Padre-Rod, or whatever pasture of the moment he is put out to spend his last years in)

Hall of Fame-Rod

A-Sob (In an interview with the New York Daily PostNews-Gazette-Shopper, Alex admits to not feeling his legacy has been appreciated. Interview followed with seven pages of scathing editorials making fun of him; rest of the paper, as is traditional for Daily PostNews-Gazette-Shopper, consists of hardcore pornography.)

Slay-Rod (Imagine your own tawdry murder fantasy.)

A-Corpse

AJ Pierzinyski is the left hand of evil.

2008-08-25T19:15:00.003-04:00

Ecstatic though I was to find that the White Sox had managed to take one game from the Rays (and thus, one game from their AL East lead), this video infuriates the shitting fuck out of me. Watch it the whole way and wait for when AJ not only finds a way to touch a fielder but creates his own momentum to fall down. Go to hell, AJ. Or get traded there.

Now that's what I call a rivalry.

2008-08-15T19:34:00.003-04:00

You knew (maybe) that after A-Rod's divorce something like this was coming. That Tek. His skills are waning, and his divorce won't have the star power of Alex's, but his competitiveness sure is relentless.

8-0 Red Sox, Bottom of the 2nd, Pitching Change

2008-08-14T20:00:00.005-04:00

Could we play the Rangers at Fenway the rest of the year? Please? This game we're playing isn't baseball, per se, but it sure is fun.

(And when Youkilis is hot enough that David Ortiz gets pitched to with an open base, this lineup sure is awesome. Even Crisp and Cora used their limited offensive talents: bloop single, hit batsman. Beautiful.)

Keep lighting 'em up. Even a ten-run lead clearly isn't secure this series, and hey, we get multi-ball if we score another 300,000 runs.

19 thoughts for a 19-run Sox game. (Because I don't have 36 thoughts for a 36-run game.)

2008-08-13T11:48:00.006-04:00

1. Wow. So, that happened.

2. The fun-packed first inning reminded me of a game my girlfriend of the time got to see. To this day, that she (a Yankee fan) got to see that game and I didn't remains high on my list of resentments. Er, totally dead resentments.

3. Charlie Zink looked a lot more okay than the box score might show, giving up a ton of singles, but only giving up the biggest hits when he let his fastball rip. If you read this excellent Globe profile on Zink, that makes sense. Unlike Wakefield, a converted infielder who never really had much pride in his fastball, Zink is a converted pitcher, who could throw in the high-80s before the knuckleball became his primary pitch, and even throws a decent cutter. Thing is, Charlie, a mid-80s fastball isn't impressive unless you diversify very well. Just ask the shoulda-been 2004 World Series MVP.

4. Manny Delcarmen was worse than his box score shows. Much worse. When Gary Sheffield went on the waiver wire, I thought of how badly he claims to want to play for Boston and immediately concocted this trade idea:

Gary Sheffield and a box of rusted razor blades (to be locked in a room with Manny Delcarmen)

for

Cash considerations, a large bucket of baseballs, and weaponry to be named later.

Just a thought. The pay per view here could be excellent, especially if Kimbo Slice gets the winner.

5. Irrelevant, but David Ortiz was robbed of a three home run game. You already knew that. What was interesting was that Don and Jerry continued to believe that it was fan interference. Wrong though they were, the "nerve" to take an opinion against the home team just...filled me with more desire to kill Hawk Harrelson. Seriously, I should never listen to White Sox commentary again. The innocent might end up paying for it.

6. Ye gods, I just noticed a connection between this Sox-Rangers slugfest and the Sox-Marlins bit of brutality from 2003. Rupe be its name! (And no, I have no proof that former Sox hurler Ryan and Ranger righty Josh are brothers. So I'll just assume it. How zany! Eat that, Jayson Stark!)

7. The Paul Byrd pickup and its timing in the wake of Zink's last major league start for awhile is amazing. Old man with the old windup style has the second-lowest ERA among starters since the All-Star break, so there is absolutely nothing negative about this pickup. First benefit: Clay's start on Friday is no longer Clay's start.

8. Ron Washington's expression throughout this game, even as Texas came back, never changed, and never ceased to be priceless. Basically, it nonchalantly stated, "What is this bullshit we're playing here?" but better. Love that guy. Best character in Moneyball.

9. Some people have told me to rescind my concession of the AL East in the wake of Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria's injuries. Fair enough, but Longoria's effect is more or less negated by the loss of Mike Lowell, who can't be that fast a healer at his age. But don't worry, the lost space in the infield will be filled with some flip-flopping and someone else coming off the DL. Are you ready for some Lugo?!?

10. No? Me neither.

11. If the Rangers had scratched (or thwacked) out one more run off of Papelbon in the 9th, we might have had a 19-18 game. Four years ago, you might've gave a shit about that number.

12. Boo hoo hoo, Hank. Your team was actually at its flattest before the injuries (unless losing Hughes qualifies as a major loss considering his '08 performance), showed signs of life after your best pitcher went down, started sucking again, lost Joba, started drinking again. Yankee fans can only be happy with your assessment because it means Cashman ain't getting axed as you sit this October out for the first non-strike time since 1993.

13. What will happen with Yankees unused to having October off with too much time on their hands? Predictions:

--Derek Jeter paternity case; Ford turns paternity as a new way to win Jeter's Ford Challenge!

--Mariano Rivera nearly drowned, trying to find where those footprints are coming from.

--Kyle Farnsworth returns to new Yankee GM office with heavy artillery; opening of New Yankee Stadium delayed until 2010.

--Alex Rodriguez divorce settlement turns ugly when, with charts and graphs, he attempts to prove himself the greatest father since Ted Williams. Staff of Baseball Prospectus disproves his argument as deeply dependent on opportunity-based statistics like RBIs, batting average, and sperm count.

--John Sterling paternity case (on a very special episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Suzy is the mommy, murdered by a jealous Melky Cabrera!)

14. Even though, very similar to the Red Sox in divisional situation (with nearly identical records) I still think the Brewers are going to the World Series, with a chance of surprising anyone who gets there. Then again, I thought there wasn't going to be a dry pair of pants in Milwaukee last year. There wasn't, but that was due to a city-wide relapse, not any playoffs.

15. The basic frame of the rumored Boston deal for Johan Santana--Jon Lester, Justin Masterson, and Jed Lowrie for the rights to negotiate a massive contact with Johan--sure looks like an easy pass now, doesn't it?

16. Jason Bay has been sluggish as of late. With Lowell gone, that gots to end soon.

17. I'm going to make it to 19. I'm going to make it to 19.

18. If anyone owns a copy of the book above and could part with it for less than $16, you're not like the rest of the Internet. Contact me. It really should have been made into a 4th Shaft movie, with Isaac Hayes and Itzhak Perlman doing a killer theme song.

19. Writing imitates life. This post, like last night's game, was excessively, ultimately fulfilling, and not something I want to ever repeat again. May Lester return us to sanity tonight.

Dear Chicago White Sox Announcers,

2008-08-11T21:53:00.005-04:00

1) "He ain't gonna lose this one tonight. We gonna come back." does not constitute baseball analysis. Or commentary. Or anything else that is your role.

2) Slipping in your idiotic homerism into the commentary, as in "C'mon Johnny, get it in...and it's outside for ball two." doesn't mitigate it. At all.

3) "He gone!" has gone from being an annoying catchphrase with some novelty to simply an annoying catchphrase.

4) I'm embarrassed enough to find myself say "We got three runs in the 5th" because I'm not a member of the Boston Red Sox. You should be disgraced for actually saying "We haven't scored since the 3rd," former ballplayer and not-former ballplayer. You're so not part of the "We." Juan Uribe may have that right even though he sucks. You don't have that right and also happen to suck.

5) You make John Sterling seem professional.

6) You and AJ are the reasons I found myself rooting against the ChiSox in 2005 in spite of your considerable curse and myself. Go to hell.

Yours in Christ,

Josh

Hey, at least it ain't bronze.

2008-08-11T16:24:00.004-04:00

After an entertaining but disappointing loss yesterday, a thought occurred to me that I wasn't certain about. Then it stuck with it. Then it came back to me at noon, and then before I could write it myself, Yanksfan/Soxfan did. The AL East? We ain't winning it.

Now, not winning the AL East in recent years took us to the ALCS three times, and the World Series and a sweet, sweet championship once, so this isn't an end-all or be-all. The microphone god once said, it ain't where you're from, it's where you're at. As for the playoffs, it ain't how you (hopefully) enter the playoffs so much as it is how you (hopefully don't) exit.

The Red Sox are playing decent baseball since the exit of Manuel Ramirez, but the Rays are still on fire, so the most likely best-case scenario is, the Sox catch a little fire at the end but the Rays still finish a game or two ahead, sorta like the way the 2004 pennant chase ended. And it's okay. Hey, I love AL East pennants, and last year's meant a lot to me, since the AL East pennant before that was won with the help of the proprietor's MVP season. They don't mean that much, though.

And sadly, there's that other thing to consider: a wild card doesn't seem as painful when the Yankees aren't taking said AL East pennant.

It's pathetic. But it's true.

(Sigh. Now let's split this ChiSox series, please.)

Fun with failed copy-editing!

2008-08-01T00:05:00.004-04:00

Yankee fans, get irate. Apparently, your team tied, yet lost to the Angels. Sounds like some of that bullshit Rosie Perez spat in White Men Can't Jump.

Ramirez-Bay Trade Recap

2008-07-31T17:21:00.006-04:00

To Red Sox
Jason Bay

To Dodgers
Manny Ramirez

To Pirates
Craig Hansen (from Red Sox)
Brandon Moss (from Red Sox)
Andy LaRoche (from Dodgers)
Bryan Morris (from Dodgers)

To Marlins
Not a goddamn thing, because they tried to jack the Red Sox for $9 million; yes, that's Manny Ramirez's salary, PLUS a fee. Fuck off and go finish 3rd in the NL East, you motherfuckers. And I thought we had a trading relationship.

To Hell
For cheapness and crimes against humanity, baseball, the Montreal Expos, and the Florida Marlins, Mr. Jeffrey Loria. In hell, Youppi will repeatedly jam the Quebec provincial flag up his ass. On a long metal pole.

To Terry Francona
The peace that comes with knowing your left fielder won't opt out of the game a couple hours before, and knowing that you can't accidentally blow a 5-run lead by putting Craig Hansen in.

To J.D. Drew
The #3 slot in the lineup?

To Pirates GM Neal Huntington
Props. That's some haul for one very good but not All-MLB left fielder. This team has a future.

To Tampa Bay
These nuts in your mouth. He who was to be your big trade acquisition is ours, bitches. Years of Chuck LaMar's ridiculous trade requests have come full circle now that the Rays are buyers as sellers feel the need to keep asking for more. Payback's a grandmother.

To Red Sox fans
Remains to be seen. At best, the current malaise clears up, Bay batters the ball at roughly the same rate as he did in the National League and thus makes the loss of Ramirez a statistical wash, plus defense, and we win the World Series. There are a lot of other possible outcomes.

All that I can ultimately say is that I'll miss Manny Ramirez, but for the 40 minutes there where it seemed that neither Ramirez nor Bay had been traded by the deadline, I was terrified of the toxic environment to come if he stayed.

Remember the feeling of watching total self-destruction? Me too. Now we can hope for 2004 redux (trade angry All-Star for less than equal return, change team environment, win World Series) rather than 2001 redux. Here's hoping, anyway.

Tick...tick...?

2008-07-31T12:24:00.002-04:00

It could happen today. And I've gotta say, Finn is right. I'll take no genuine solace from Manny's departure. The only thing uglier than having to trade Manny, however, is having to keep him.

(Thanks to Deadspin for the graphic.)

I Sent A Letter To The Red Sox, The Other Day/ They Opened, and Read It, It Said They Were Suckas!

2008-07-30T22:19:00.004-04:00

Dear Boston Red Sox,

Regarding your performance since the All-Star break, which has been a rapid-fire version of the standard Sox summer swoon, I must say:

You're all better than this. Except maybe Manny Delcarmen. Who hasn't even been bad lately.

Play better or fuck off.

Yours in Christ,

Josh

P.S. for Theo--

This proposed three-way deal of Manny Ramirez for Jason Bay plus prospects sounds like the Nomar Garciaparra trade of 2008: a shake-up trade in which a disgruntled though incredibly talented veteran is traded for less than equal talent in return, to shake up an underachieving team. This armchair GM right here signs off on it.

Save me, Kirk Cameron!

2008-07-30T12:28:00.005-04:00

We came very close to the apocalypse last night. Oh, it's odd enough that John Lackey of the 7+ ERA at Fenway got a win. But two outs away from a no-hitter? Two more and the four horses come in. As it is, start praying. President Lou Gossett Jr. can't save you now.

But though the Angels won twice yesterday, I'm much more concerned with the win that involved the Sox. I know this isn't an opinion I've seen much, but the difference between Casey Kotchman and Mark Texiera is, though significant, not everything you might expect. Was it a good trade? Absolutely. Was it a great trade? Not unless they resign.

As for Boston, Bartolo Colon can't come off the DL soon enough to take Clay's spot back. Sorry y'all, but shit is getting drastic, and you can only rebuild and contend so much at the same time. The kid doesn't have it this year.

If the Rays hadn't lost Monday and if the Yankees (the team my less-educated Sox fan friends remain fully convinced will win the AL East...hold your panic, or at least keep some of it directed Tampa way, people) weren't currently catching a B'More beatdown, I might be home sick today with a hangover of the worst kind.

One more thing about the Angels and how their demolishing of the Red Sox bodes for any playoff matchup with them: you never can tell. The Indians didn't beat the Yankees in the regular season last year.

But let's focus on getting in the playoffs now. Please.

Game One, Sox-Yankees: A face to hate.

2008-07-25T22:11:00.004-04:00

Kill, kill, kill Marty Foster.

False hype, false media, we don't need it, do we?

2008-07-25T12:31:00.006-04:00

My love of the Sox-Yankees rivalry has been deeply tempered by all the bullshit that seemingly must come with it. A case example of this has been the Papelbon-Mo Rivera "rivalry" that has all the New York papers talking, still.

Prime pickings, of course, is the New York Post'stenuous "article" only publishable as article rather than pure opinion because of a surprise false media member. Al Leiter?

"Some guys, apparently Papelbon is one of them, I wish they would engage their mind before they opened their mouth," said YES analyst Al Leiter.

"You're in Yankee Stadium, and to insult Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in the history of the sport, is not smart."

I'm not even going to touch the greatest closer of all time thing, because there's an argument to be made there. (Although Eck is my pick.) Let's just go back a second to the actual, unadulterated quote from Pap:

"If I was managing the team, I would close. I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter. ... We've both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah. It's not that easy. Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."

Does that sound all that impetuous to you? Curiously, Papelbon isn't even arguing his right to close due to his accomplishments: rather, he's

a) Honestly asserting the confidence all closers should have, as in, "Yes, I should be closing, because I'm the best, and the day I don't think I'm the best is the day my downfall begins." Of course if he's managing, he'd be closing! If I was managing, I would kick Pedroia's scrawny ass off the diamond and play 2nd base! If he didn't want the 9th inning, there would be the problem. Closing is a psychologically difficult task. Seriously.

b) Re-stating the "to the victors go the spoils" doctrine, an old one that once gave the All-Star manager the right to pick so many players from their own team, especially if said manager was Joe Torre.

There is no insult here. Except that Al Leiter is already falling down the slippery slope from genuinely talented analyst to Yankee speakbox. Here's hoping he finds a fireable offense to fall into so he can go off to Seattle or some other city where he can get a grip again. The Post is just being the Post. And George Vescey's hope that in "the Papelbon era" a more acrimonious rivalry may be re-ignited is optimistic thinking. The days a pitcher could have his arm broken under a dog pile have been long gone.

I'm not even buying the "hot" label on this Yankee team right now: Too many wounds, too many wrinkles, and with Jorge Posada likely to need the 1B/DH slot as a crutch for the remainder of his career, not much chance they're going to end up with Mark Texiera. Until I see this Yankee team beat an elite team, ideally on the road, I'm not buying the hype on their return.

And yes, this would be one such chance for them. Bring it.

A Tale of Two Sweeps

2008-07-24T10:55:00.005-04:00

Competition:

1. Angels: First place in the AL West, weak offensively but deep in all pitching aspects.

2. Mariners: Bad. Now with Felix Hernandez!

The Clay Bucholz Game

1. Horrifying. Sox get shelled.

2. Kinda good, by the youngster's standards. Two rare homeruns account for the three runs in his 5.1 IP, and he was unhittable at times. Red Sox scrap to win in 12 innings.

Offense

1. Scores 8 runs total. Leaves plenty of baserunners on in the eminently winnable second game.

2. Scores 11 runs in the regular 27 innings. Leaves plenty of baserunners on in the eminently winnable second game. Wins it anyway.

Bullpen

1. Makes the "Vlad Guerrero and pray for eight walks" lineup look like Murderer's Row. A particularly irritating performance is given by Manny Delcarmen (pictured above, with bloody nose and anus) in letting in the winning runs in the third game; if he could be relied upon, Tim Wakefield's excellent start likely wouldn't have been extended into the 8th inning in the first place.

2. Yesterday. Justin Masterson. 2 2/3 perfect innings pitched. 27 pitches, 20 strikes. I'm already dreaming of this situation repeating itself:

Daisuke/Wakefield/Bucholz (?): 6-7 IP.
Masterson: 1-2 IP.
Papelbon: Game over.

Final feeling:

1. Dejection. Josh Beckett tired off something awful in the second game, as (sorta) did Tim Wakefield, but this team couldn't hit shit. Also, K-Rod (and that stupid nickname) makes my blood boil, so just seeing him come out twice, successfully, knocked three months off my life expectancy.

2. Highly qualified satisfaction. Hey, it's just the Mariners, even if it's also the first (yes, first) road sweep for the Sox this year. The offense was still inopportunistic. Perhaps Papi's presence as much as his bat could change things. Hell, if the overall swing in emotion gets Jacoby Ellsbury's batting average up to .270, I'd be content.

Craig Hansen nearly stopped my heart.

2008-07-23T20:41:00.002-04:00

Dear God, Tito, did you have to give the kid on the job training today?

The office has busied me, but before week's end, I hope to lay down my NL review and a little tale of two sweeps. Needless to say, sweeping the Mariners isn't as satisfying as being sweeped by the Angels is dejecting. More on that later.

Midseason Review Part 1: Who's living on Front Street?

2008-07-17T12:08:00.009-04:00

This brilliant piece of East Coast-ish mid-90s sound was a one-off group, 1st Down, consisting of Phat Kat and the brilliant and much missed Jay Dee/J Dilla. It's also a good way to look at the leagues as we head into the second "half" of the season, because over 162 games, baseball teams don't so much win their divisions/wild card as they prove themselves playoff worthy. Those who don't? They're pretenders to the throne. They're living on Front Street.

AL East

1. Red Sox: Living on Possible Dynasty Street.

There's a lot to be proven here--the bullpen, David Ortiz's health, and Clay Bucholz are all question marks, and it remains to be seen if Daisuke can consistently reach the 7th inning or if Josh Beckett can recover his dominant form--but flawed though they (and every other team in the majors) are, the Red Sox are in pole position. The only surprise to many people is the team chasing them.

2. Rays: Living on Beautiful Youth Street.

Most people laughed when Baseball Prospectus' PECOTA system predicted 88 wins for the exorcised, no longer deviled Rays, and they had history to back them: this team has won 70 games ONCE, and it was exactly 70 wins at that. But Chuck "The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major-league level." LaMar isn't in control anymore, and at some point, if you keep getting top draft picks and use them properly, you can acquire an assload of young talent.

The losing streak that handed the Red Sox their slim division lead may or may not be indicative of problems to come, but I wouldn't go expecting a return to the mean here. And regardless of how this year ends, the Rays will be around for years to come...

3. Yankees: Living on the corner of Front Street and Failed Youth Street.

Cano's sucked. The corpse of Hideki Matsui will probably be decomposing on the sidelines for the rest of this season, and Johnny Damon isn't coming back soon either. Hughes and Kennedy aren't exactly Spahn and Sain just yet, if they're ever going to be. Making the playoffs last year, several of my Yankee fan friends have said, may have been the worst possible thing that could have happened last season, and has left the Yankees trying to rebuild and compete at the same time.

But their youth is too young and their aged should be applying for AARP membership considering their frailty. (Mussina excepted...for now.) No wonder the Yankee fandom got so up in arms over Papelbon's All-Star comments, comments only stupid for their honesty. They had to get excited about something; unfortunately, much like the excitement over Hawkins wearing Roberto Clemente's number ("Hey! Paully wore that!"), it really made Yankee fans look like a douchebaggish mass. If our fanbase wasn't beating Yankee fans nearly to death, I would go on at further length here, but, well, they are. Sigh.

4. Blue Jays: Living on GM Vacancy Street.

I'll miss you, J.P. Riccardi. Maybe Billy Beane's hiring.

5. Orioles: Living on Meh Street.

Better than expected (and looking like geniuses for pitching Erik Bedard), but this is still a fairly uninspired mass of talent regardless of the surprising results. Daniel Cabrera is never going to be what he could be, either. On the bright side, trading Audrey Huff and George Sherrill could get a disturbingly big windfall. Baseball GMs can be that dumb and that desperate.

AL Central

1. White Sox: Living in an unknown address.

What the fuck? Is the team I saw play the most uninspired baseball I've ever seen (in 2007's late-season four-game drubbing by the Red Sox) really in first place the year after? And...how?

Well, Carlos Quentin is laughing right now at the D'Backs as he has his monster season and Arizona struggles for every run. John Danks for Brandon McCarthy, which I thought was idiocy at the time, was actually a brilliant trade. (Although I sure wish Frank Thomas could come back to the ChiSox, just so I could call them Frank-n-Danks.) Gavin Floyd is pitching over his head for now, Jose Contreras has shown signs of life, and statistically, this is the most balanced team in the AL.

I still don't fully believe in this team, not this year. But I don't see anyone else winning a very weird AL Central either.

2. Minnesota: Living on North Front Street.

North Front Street is a fine neighborhood. Good schools. Beautiful houses. Just no real chance at genuine contention in spite of appearances to the contrary. Oh, I hate seeing the Sox play them, especially since rookie twirlier Nick Blackburn has our number. But Brandon Harris and Mike Lamb are the left side of their infield, Carlos Gomez is getting his training on the job and it often shows, and Livan Hernandez is on pace for about 320 hits, which would be dead ball-era-esque.

And the Delmon Young- Matt Garza trade that looked so even wasn't. At all.

Oh, and Brett Favre wants to be the Vikings QB. Sorry, Minnesota. At least The Hold Steady have a new record out.

3. Detroit: Living in a halfway home just off of Front Street trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives after a Josh Hamilton-eque crack binge.

This didn't work out as you expected, eh? I knew this team was flawed. (Ahem, and I also KNEW that the Indians were taking it this year.) Galarraga is still their only pitcher better than league average, Miguel Cabrera is a first baseman now (and not that good at that, either), Sheffield's body is giving way after many mainly injury-free seasons whipping that bat violently, just in time to make the Tigers' trade for him look like a clearly bad idea, and Edgar Renteria is apparently back to Wreck-A-Ria status. Is he old or does he just hate the AL that much?

Who cares. The Tigers could still be this year's late-season chargers, but I think people are overestimating their chances to do so. You know how hard a huge run is to pull off? Just look at the Rockies now.

4. Royals: Living on a duplex on Front Street.

Yawn. No comment.

5. Injuns: Kicked off of Front Street and living on a reservation, wrapping their children in small pox blankets.

Cliff Lee is pitching out of his mind, and the Indians are still in last place because their team totally forgot how to hit, then lost the punchless Victor Martinez to injury. (Which at least puts a more positive light on his 0 HR performance in the months before.) Fausto Carmona too, for awhile. Asdural Cabrera and Travis Hafner have been out for the year since Opening Day; unfortunately, they've been in the lineup all that time, being out and making outs.

Matt LaPorta sounds like a hell of a slugger (although the Brewers still got a deal on CC "No Periods" Sabathia), and Mark Shapiro is the sort of GM that can turn a last place season into a talent-acquiring adventure. Cleveland got hit in the head with the losing stick this year, but they won't be in the bottom half of the division long.

AL West

1. Angels: Living in the same old McMansion on Very Good Street.

Yep, it's an Angels team: great pitching, somewhat iffy offense, more so than ever in both cases. Will need 11 straight shutouts in the playoffs to actually win the World Series, but just might get it. The Official A's fan of Vaughn's, Professor L-P, insists that Joe Saunders sucks and his record is an abberation, and both Ervin Santana (whose real name is Johan! he changed it due to you know who!) and the Younger Weaver Brother can be gotten to on occassion. As for John Lackey, hopefully he'll pitch in Fenway again in the playoffs: you know what results from that.

So, yes, this is a team that can win it all. Assessing them further than that, I can't do from what little I've seen. I'm looking forward to the Sox-Angels series after the break, I'll say that much.

2. Athletics: Has a house on Front Street, but usually just sleeps on the beach.

Lineup: Horrible. Pitching rotation: The Duke is excellent, the rest are adequate. Bullpen: Still squeezing the last life from the 2004 Red Sox 'pen. (Embree and Foulke together makes me wish they pulled Leskanic out of retirement. Memmmmories...) This has been a good rebuilding season. Let's not call it more than that, now.

3. Rangers: Lives in a van. But it's a slick van. Hydrolics and shit.

Milton Bradley and Josh Hamilton have both been amazing and excellent pickups. Ian Kinsler is playing out of his mind. The Rangers actually have more wins than the Rays and Red Sox since June 1st. But these being the Texas Rangers, they still can't pitch, so I still can't say I care.

4. Mariners: Homeless.

The Mariners don't know lucky shit from shinola. Success last year was bad for the Yankees this year, but an absolute catastrophe for the M's, who traded their future for a pissy French-Canadian they may manage to trade this coming deadline. Already. One player they couldn't trade: the departed Richie Sexson. Another they won't be able to trade: recent signing and no longer league-average pitcher Carlos Silva. Mercy. Pass the gauze.

NL review tomorrow.

Give up no runs, lose no games.

2008-07-08T15:28:00.004-04:00

Good time for a goose egg; better time (bottom of the 8th) for the only offense the Sox could muster off stingy Minnie pitching; excellent time to hear David Ortiz is swinging (hard) pain-free; best time to start the easy conversion for Justin Masterson into the bullpen. (Easier than the alternative of bullpen to starter, anyway, not that Yankee fans can tell. Seeing Joba's rutabaga-sized mug holding an iced coffee on a poster on the side of my nearest Dunkin' Donuts is still jarring to me every morning, but it also reminds me of how happy I am that he isn't svelte and handsome as well as beloved by the Yankee faithful. Then I wouldn't much like him.)

It's a troubling sign that 7.1 IP is the longest Daisuke has actually gone this season, but it was excellent pitching, followed by Okajima and Papelbon pitching in their '07 fashion, so let's just consider it one to build on. We'll see if the shoulda-been All-Star can keep it rolling.

Enough.

2008-07-07T16:40:00.004-04:00

Having been treated with civility for my nearly five years in New York City, whether I was wearing the navy cap or the red cap, I've just gotta repeat Deadspin's sentiments with even more feeling:

You motherfuckers need to stop.

This shit is wrong and it shames me almost as much as it should shame you.

...
...
...
..
.

Sox lost last night in too familiar a fashion (grab small lead late, lose lead because of lack of set-up relief, lose game) to recount. Another good start by Wakefield, and another good start wasted. This team needs to limp into the All-Star break without losing much too more ground, because the last three series have served to undo a lot of good.

Back from break...a little late.

2008-07-03T12:15:00.007-04:00

It has been a long time, barflies, but June became the month I squandered most of my vacation days while working double time at the road office to make up for it, so sadly, the ol' barangrill went a bit to seed. I'm also sorry to come back to this state of affairs.

Bullpens and relief pitchers are funny things. The relievers so critical to 2004's success, especially in the extra innings of the middle of the ALCS, fell flat on their faces in 2005, in no small part because Keith Foulke's knees died for our sins during said series.

The seemingly boffo (TM, Variety) Eric Gagne trade didn't work because...well, there's a myriad of reasons best summarized in the famed phrase "Gagne sucks" (or "Gagne suces" in his native tongue), but apparently saving meaningless games for a sub .500 team and holding leads for a World Series contenders are bananas and pomegranates.

And without even touching upon Jon Papelbon's uptick in blown saves, because he still looks quite right, it's apparent that Hideki Okajima's present fall from form has hurt the team immensely, because Manny Delcarmen has come into the set-up role, and Manny Delcarmen is no '07 Okajima. No, no, no, no.

Last night, in a game a frustrated Sox team really could have used to stay within 1.5 games of the best team in baseball/first place Rays (and no, I still can't believe I typed that phrase), the Sox got the best of the Floridians in the Inefficiency-Off between Daisuke Matuszaka and Scott Kazmir (5 IP a piece, 4 runs for Scott, 1 for Daisuke). That's the good part.

Then came the odd but not wholly surprising appearance of Hideki Okajima in the 6th inning. Tito gets 3 points for putting him into a clean inning (Okajima's ERA is deceptive, since he's allowing more inherited runners to score than even Mike Timlin did in a similarly deceptive [recurring theme] 2005 season) but -5 points for the earlyness of this. Unless the plan was to pitch Okajima 2 innings, I just don't think he's the 6th inning pitcher. Hansen or Aardsma, anyone?

And then came the 7th.

And there went the lead. Craig Hansen ultimately took the loss because in a reversal of order, Hansen relieved for Delcarmen (supposed new 8th inning man, in for an ineffective Aardsma, who probably shoulda been pitching the 6th...) because Delcarmen could get no one out. Six pitchers in all, essentially the whole bullpen minus Papelbon, got into this game, with only Javier Lopez and Okajima somewhat undisgraced. And there's your game.

Four of the five losses the Medias Rojas have currently strung together are of the one-run variety, but although the sabemetrician's maxim is that one-run games are something of a matter of luck, these particular losses have either been caused by

a) Blow-ups by the setup men, or
b) Games made close by not-quite-successful 9th inning rallies. In other words, the sort you can't expect to win.

What it all adds up to is that it feels like it's 2005 all over again to me. My hope is that Big Bartolo comes back good and healthy, so we can throw a new set-up man into the mix. Here's a hint who: newspaper headlines can't help but call him Masterful.

And, oh yeah, in schadenfreude news, the above happened. A few things to note:

1) Cynthia and Alex's children's names: Natasha Alexander and Ella Alexander. Want a son much, Alex? That's not naming, that's branding. The only thing possibly dumber would be if both the Rodriguez girls' names had the initials HR in them. But even that arrogant stupidity wouldn't be original.

2) Cynthia may have left Alex for Lenny Kravitz. Alex might be shacking up with (swallows a small bit of throw-up) Madonna. This would mark the first time a marriage broke up and the shattered pieces both went to (considerably) older mates. And as far as Madonna is concerned, this would again mean that, if you believe Jose's tales of hooking Alex up with a PED dealer, A-Rod is just following Jose Canseco's lead. Years after the expiration date, no less. (Shudders again.)

Get A-Good lawyer, A-Rod!

(Shudders again at bad joke.)

....

2008-07-02T23:41:00.001-04:00

(Back from long vacation filled month. Some actual posts to come. Honest.)

Are we home yet?

2008-05-28T14:57:00.004-04:00

I'm not imbued with confidence in this team right now, because I'm just not sure which team the Red Sox are, and yet I'm feeling all this off of a somewhat hard-luck loss that could have been a feel good comeback. Daisuke was only okay, and then he was injured, but four relievers pitched shutout ball until the 9th, when someone other than Papelbon had to pitch (road versus home logic in the 9th of a tie game), and the prime candidate was still ol' man Timlin. Who, sadly, is pretty much done. He was quoted after the game frustrated that he was hitting his spots and still getting hit. That's old age, old man. And that's what happens when you have to get five innings out of your bullpen without a real long man. Can't wait until Masterson's in his likely September place in the pen.

Manny's 499th was something to see, and was absolutely critical in a game where the Sox made Miguel Batista look far better than the adequate pitcher he (sometimes) is, and specialized in putting men on 1st and 2nd with no outs and nothing to show for it. Of course, said home run was responsible for me turning the game back on, losing some sleep I really could have used (especially including the 45 minutes of winding down from the mindstate of "Fuuuuuuuuck!" that comes after losing any game in the 9th), and coming to work in such a delicious mood.

So that's .250 ball so far on this trip, or 1-8 over their last nine road games, with another five games to play on the last unmerciful ten-game road trip of the season. And a blown opportunity to take back first place. And two more 10:05 starts I'm not even fucking with. And one nap couch that my work place must purchase immediately, 'lest I give notice.

...

...

Eh, forget it. Hello, bed of keys. rsp;'./D{Dsareu3wq4lasdc

Oakland 7, Boston 1, Bottom of 4th Inning.

2008-05-23T23:10:00.002-04:00

Dear Clay Bucholz,

How's Triple-A? Lame, no? Kelsey ain't even visiting you, is she? Guess Pawtucket isn't her kinda town, let alone Buffalo or Indianapolis. Anyway, just wanted to tell you to get better soon. Really soon. At least your sometimes catastrophic starts serve a learning purpose.

Yours,
Josh

Like the Denny's breakfast menu, without the heart-stopping goodness.

2008-05-22T15:59:00.003-04:00

Like Don Orsillo said, it's grand slam day at Fenway Park. 11-4 as I write this, thanks to 8 RBIs on two swings by J.D. Drew and Mike Lowell, and it's all almost enough to forget the sloppy, askew, and often wild day by Daisuke.

(C'mon, Matsuzaka, on three-ball counts it's okay sometimes to give a little; to Joey Gathright, anyway.)

What will either be the culmination of a 7-o homestand or cause for murder-suicide, either way, I've enjoyed wasting my work day watching it. The offense is clicking. We'll see if we can hit Rich Harden. If we feel like staying up late to watch it, anyway.

(Insert some headline involving "Masterful" or somesuch variation.)

2008-05-21T17:31:00.005-04:00

Masterful. Mastered. Mastering. Master of the Universe. Mastermastermaster.

Although apparently newspaper headlines will speak of his mastery every time he wins regardless of caliber of start because, you know, name puns, Justin Masterson was very good, albeit with a walk or two more than necessary, and unlike last time, the bullpen was good enough to hold that lead, albeit barely.

Okajima wasn't all there, but getting the second out by strikeout (with a runner on third) was almost as important as Papelbon later getting the third out. (Coincidentally, by strikeout; it's intriguing to see what he can do against righties with creative deployment of this reintroduced slider.) Gil Meche was pretty great, but one inning capped with a Lugo sac fly and a Coco double was enough. And that was that. A losable game won. Nice.

Bartolo returns tonight. No idea what to expect, but at least we aren't exactly throwing him to the...Rangers?...his first start out. I do expect a Craig Hansen sighting at some point, which will both delight me and (if it doesn't come with at least a three-run lead) chill me to my very core.

Most interesting series against the Royals I can recall in recent times, I'll say that much.

Oh, Master of Puppets. Forgot that one. There's a keeper, o weary editors.

Cancer strikes out! (And fails to get a base hit!)

2008-05-20T13:42:00.007-04:00

First off, wow. That was something, and in all fairness to Jon Lester, that was something I did not expect to see. Pitcher struggling with strike zone and walks hits strike one 20 out of 29 times, giving up 2 walks, pitching his first ever complete game. (Albeit with a dangerous 130 pitches. Tito, what were you thinking?)

And, um, oh yeah. No hits. None. Nine strikeouts, a lot of weak groundballs and popups, one of which nearly dived to the ground:

That was it. That was dominance. And no matter how bitter you want to be about it (see the comments turn tragicomical on Peter Abraham's blog around 9:45 p.m. here; thanks to the 45 King), no one else has no-hit the Royals since Nolan Ryan got his first, and no one has no-hit a major league team since that scrawny kid with the big curve and the Penthouse Pet girlfriend pulled it. Way, way back in September.

But, yeah, it was against the Royals. So what? Do it yourself. Fuck you, stupid bitter Yankee fans. If Wang no-hit the Padres in interleague play, I'd hardly mention that they were the Padres. The luck necessary alone with all the poorly hit balls that can end up in unplayable sections of the field (I remember a swinging bunt breaking up John Maine's no-no bid the next-to-last day of the season last year) or the killer bloop (akin to what Ellsbury somehow snatched) make any no-hitter against any team an accomplishment.

Having pitched a World Series clinching game and a no-hitter, I'd like to again suggest that this might be an opportunity for us to move on from the The Boy Who Lived plotline that the media have tacked onto him, and which Jon Lester himself desires. The first sentence of the Herald article on last night says all:

Ever since receiving word that he had defeated lymphoma a year-and-a-half ago, Jon Lester has been trying to do everything within his power to shed the unsought labeling of being the pitcher who survived cancer.

It says all especially because the fucking sentence does plenty to keep the unsought label on!

The AP's first two graphs:

BOSTON, May 19 -- Jon Lester has survived cancer and pitched a World Series clincher for the Boston Red Sox.

Now he can add a no-hitter to his already amazing list of accomplishments.

Accomplishments? That's survival you're fucking talking about, not an "accomplishment." Cancer didn't give him a trophy. He didn't get a Most Valuable Player Who Had Cancer trophy last year. (Mike Lowell would have deserved it more anyway.) To the Globe's credit, they did not mention cancer until paragraph 3, and again, in the "he wants to be remembered for more" context.

So, yeah, respect his wishes already and stop talking about his near-death experience so cavalierly and unendingly, Author. I mean, Arthur. Lester's pitched well enough to be more than a human interest story, okay? Find a boy in a well.

Just to stick the needle in further.

2008-05-15T11:53:00.003-04:00

(Thanks to Deadspin.)

Did it have to be Jay Fucking Payton?

2008-05-14T17:25:00.002-04:00

I'm not watching the rest of this fucking game, and I'm not watching the Baltimore Orioles get a mini-sweep over a team that is finding ways to lose. Especially since that way to lose had to be a fucking grand slam by asshole #1 Jay Payton, who knowingly/tragically took a reserve OF role with us in '05 before crying/moaning/bleeding/sucking his way out of that. Not Jay Payton. It's too much. Goodbye cruel world. (Until tomorrow.)

Julian Tavarez, RHP, Boston Red Sox (2006-2008)

2008-05-13T16:39:00.003-04:00

Oh, Pizzaface, if only I could say I'm really going to miss you. Outside of the clubhouse (and especially your best friend, Manny Ramirez), I may be among the few coming almost sort of close to (but not really) missing you. It's hard to do so when it's hard to know how exactly to eulogize you, or what sort of disappointment your Sox years really were.

It's not fair to compare you to a seemingly savvy veteran bullpen pickup that somehow rode their way to a World Series win like Ramiro Mendoza, because you contributed a surprising amount as a 5th starter, pitching winnable games more often than not and helping to make the AL East race a seeming non-starter.

It's not fair to compare you to a seemingly big bullpen pickup that fizzled out like Eric Gag-ne because only nerdish folk like me had followed you closely enough beyond the bouts and bouts of insanity to expect something from you beyond pure inning-eating, though it seemed to take about three months in 2006 before inning-eating was your irrevocable role. You seemed a vaguely promising signing at two years (no one noticed the dread option year, and after the 2007 postseason, where you were left off the rosters for every round, no one expected you to take it), and quickly, you weren't. But you were never a major waste of resources.

Rather than figure your failure, Julian, I'd like to remember my favorite moments of you. In no particular order.

Julian v. Joey

Joey Gathright, car jumper and general lunatic. Julian Tavarez, man of many brawls. Spring 2002. Sweet, sweet violence.

That's a good Tavarez

The peak of Manny-Julian madness. My sitcom idea, Barry and Gary, is still based off of Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield's now friendship because the comedy of chef-stealing and any situation that makes Gary Sheffield the straight man (??) is pure gold. But if I couldn't get that one through, a Ramirez-Tavarez show would be pretty solid as well. It would be like Meth and Red with slightly less weed and more guys getting randomly knocked the fuck out, to Manny's delight.

Still better than Rudy @%$(ing Seanez

I went to this game and stayed for all 19 innings because, when do you get the chance to stay at a baseball game for 19 innings? It was one of Papelbon's few blown saves of the year, and one where the whole bullpen was emptied out (the All-Star break awaited, so there was no fear of day-after fatigue to be had), including Tavarez for a season-high 4 innings, no runs allowed. Tavarez was unfortunately the ticking clock because everyone at the stadium knew if Rudy Seanez made it into this game, the White Sox were going to win.

But defeat aside, this is my sweetest in-person memory of Julian Tavarez. I wish him well in Colorado or wherever he may land. I also hope someone incites him to brutality again. His wasn't the best Sox career, but he's welcome to drink free here any time.

GAME THIRTY SIX: @##$@)(#@#(@ with your @#(@(ing (@@#*.

2008-05-07T23:03:00.006-04:00

I'd never seen someone blow a save without being the pitcher, but I can definitively say I have now. Julio Lugo did it in the midst of the luckiest come-from-behind game imaginable:

Accidental check swing bunt single.
Bobble on possible double play ball by Julio Lugo.
Sacrifice bunt runners to second and third.
Groundball to second plates one runner, advances other to third.
Broken bat single gets over a leaping Lugo. (No, not even Ozzie Smith with the wings of a bat could have caught this ball, but I'm just noting detail.) End of game. (Lugo, B, 1.)

Let's recap: That's one semi-genuine hit, and two fucking runs, ruining what would have been a great come from behind game in which the Sox dug out of a 4 run deficit, then a 3 run deficit. Bad luck is a part of baseball. Bad defense is a substantial part of Julio Lugo. Drinks on the house if I don't down every bottle first. No chasers, no ice. Let it BURN.

GAMES THIRTY ONE- THIRTY THREE: That's more like it.

2008-05-05T15:30:00.003-04:00

Back to the top of the league. Now let's see if it can continue on the road; the Sox schedule has been home-heavy, and the Tigers have come a long ways from their start.

No more for now. Sorry, it's one of those days I've gotta, y'know, keep my day job.

GAME THIRTY: With apologies to Harburg and Gorney

2008-05-02T13:14:00.004-04:00

They used to tell me we were powerful
And I watched us pile up scores
Where there were runners on, we ran them off
Five, six, seven, or more
They used to tell me we could hit
Wins and pennants had came
Why should we scrap for four runs in five whole fucking games?

Once scoreboards ran out of numbers
Under Fenway nights, or sun
They say it’ll get better in summer, but,
Brother, can you spare a run?

Once we laid more pipe than plumbers
So many ways to get it done
Now, who will save poor Timmy Wakefield?
Brother, can you spare a run?

GAME TWENTY-NINE: Lower the mound! Lower the mound!

2008-05-01T15:49:00.003-04:00

Winning's good, winning walk-off style is fun, but the offense is bothering me, and quick solutions always work. You know what to do.

Wakefield on the mound tonight. I'm guessing it might be good to score, um, three runs, at least.

GAME TWENTY-EIGHT: Classic 1968/1881 baseball game/ show-down.

2008-04-30T17:12:00.008-04:00

Luckily for the Sox, nobody could for Doc Halliday, Deadly Cy Young Doctor of the North. And wow, has his team continually fucked him. As badly as Bob Costas' "moderation" fucked Will Leitch. Four straight complete games for Roy Halliday (!), three losses (!?!&$@$#). His ERA is 3.26. His record is 2-4. Remember this the next time you hear an idiotic announcer talk about a pitcher's will to win: Halliday could have pitched a 12-inning complete game and still have lost.

(Although by that point, someone I do not trust in close games would have probably been on the mound, so maybe Roy should've just shut the Sox down another inning and then three more after that. Whaddaya, Doc, a pussy?)

Two runs in three games is disturbing no matter the high quality of starting pitching the Red Sox may be facing (wait, did I just call Edwin Jackson a quality starting pitcher?), but all the same, yesterday's game was taut, fun, brief (2 hours, 18 minutes) and ultimately fulfilling.

Jon Lester had his customary bunch of walks; he was also almost unhittable, and got through 8 innings under 100 pitches. Of course, Lester being Lester, you watched wondering if it was going to fall apart any minute, particularly feeling the pressure of Halliday's dominance continue (the first time in the game two base runners were on in the same inning was, yes, the 9th inning). Papelbon had a right to his relief after the amazing diving stop Pedroia made to save the game, and stop Troy Glaus from scoring on Vernon Wells' hot shot (almost) through the hole, a dive reminiscent of the one Dustin saved Clay Bucholz's no-hitter with.

And then, of course, Halliday proved mortal, and with his first walk of the day, a Manny Ramirez single to center that would have been a shallow fly-out if Wells wasn't practically playing on the triangle, and Youkilis' liner through the middle, his chance to win passed away. "This is funny," he remarked, looking at his boots lying at his bed. Good game, Doc. Not looking forward to the next time.

And on the 21st day, after the 5th loss, they rested.

2008-04-28T15:26:00.004-04:00

“When they make the schedule like this, it’s not just that we play 20 in a row, we play (expletive) 8 o’clock getaway games in Oakland (sic), so there’s not enough (complaining) and moaning that goes on to get it changed, I don’t know what the (expletive) we need to do,” said Josh Beckett after a really amazing start spoiled by, you know, a complete game shutout by James Shields.

The schedule has been fucking brutal (you'd be a wee bit cranky if you had to work 20 straight days, no?) and the results have been accordingly flat. Two great starts wasted in a three-game sweep by Tampa Bay (and a winnable one by Tim Wakefield, if the Sox had exploited Garza's allergic reaction to the strike zone a bit more), part of a strange and dramatic death of the offense, which went sharply from an 8-game streak of scoring 5 runs or more to 4, 1, and 0 runs.

Enjoy the day off, Sox. Don't stay up late waiting for GTA IV to come out. And then please, please stop playing like this.

Tampa Bay's for real though, I should note. Let's go on a quick journey through great moments in D'Rays history:

March 9, 1995: Vince Naimola's Tampa Bay group awarded a Major League Baseball franchise.

April 27, 2008: Tampa Bay defeats Boston to end up in a three-way tie for first in the AL East, marking the latest in a season Tampa has ever been in first place.

That's all I've got. Kudos, again.

GAME TWENTY-FOUR: Too angry to speak.

2008-04-24T17:17:00.008-04:00

Justin Masterson was a:

But that didn't matter because the bullpen was:

Games like this make me want to drink a whole:

Then black out, and wake up like this:

You've been warned, Delcarmen.

GAME TWENTY-THREE: A Tale of Two Needles

2008-04-24T12:06:00.004-04:00

This is a flu vaccine. Everyone should get them, especially major league baseball players. The flu that has taken down so many Sox and left us with the odd spectacle of Kevin Cash, everyday catcher, took down Daisuke Matsuzaka, bringing in Jon Lester on three day's rest. Jon Lester wasn't so good on three days' rest, although the game was in winnable range.

This is human growth hormone. He was on it when he had his one above average year, and yesterday, swung the bat as though he was back on it. Of course, its real effects are considered negligible, marijuana to steroids' heroin, except for surface-level aesthetic purposes. But still, when you think of Gary Matthews, you're thinking of either human growth hormone, the catch that made a 4th outfielder rich, or the contract itself:

Last night was a game that was winnable, in any case, but we didn't. Craig Hansen made a mistake to GMJr., but his slider looked like the one we drafted, so yes, I'm drooling at the prospect of him taking Mike Timlin's innings by season's end. Today, our rotation is still out of sync as we bring in Justin Masterson for his first start above AA; love the guy, don't love the timing of bringing him in against a team currently batting .300. Think we're gonna need a little more offense today. Think I need to stop writing now to listen to the game.

GAME TWENTY-TWO: Winning streaks are fun.

2008-04-23T11:33:00.005-04:00

Not even Dustin Pedroia's drunken Everclear-fueled incident, or Josh Beckett's sore neck, or David Pauley's...existence, can stop the Sox.

It was the third significant comeback of this six-game streak, and when one includes the mammoth comeback in a losing cause on Wednesday, it seems this team has a predilection for the dramatic. The top two of the lineup killed Angel pitching to the tune of 7-10, 4 runs, 3 RBIs, including the game winning bunt hit (Ellsbury)/ RBI double (Bushwick Dustin) combination. Add in some solid bullpen work by ol' Pizzaface Tavarez, man of shadow Okajima, Mike Timlin's one-out win (it was a big out, though), and Jon Papelbon making the baseball bleed with 99 mph stuff.

This is fun. Not so much so for the Angels, who have had the Red Sox put a hurtin' on him since at least 2004 (see above ALDS victory celebration), or maybe ever since this guy pitched for 'em. Boss Vaughn enjoys it too, maybe because the Anaheim squad jettisoned him for cash and Appier right before that championship season, maybe not. If the Angels continue their free-swinging ways, Daisuke Matsuzaka, a pitcher who has never found a strike he wasn't willing to make less strike-y, will be right at home. Keep it rollin'.

Going, Going, Gagn-gone.

2008-04-22T17:32:00.003-04:00

Eric Gagne's career blown saves total, before 2007: 6.

Eric Gagne's blown saves total, 2007-2008 (so far): 8, including another today.

Eric Gagne's saves rate in 2008: 60% (6/10)

Eric, have a nice Chartreuse out of the bar's private collection, and call it a day. God forbid some other team with bullpen issues thinks you can help them next year.

Sox are kinda good lately though, ain't they? More on that later.

Things You Can Do While Waiting For Tim McClelland To Call A 3-2 Pitch

2008-04-17T15:05:00.006-04:00

--Scratch every orifice of your body
--Check your e-mail
--Play six hands of poker
--Lose $2500 making stock trades
--Knit a doily
--Read four chapters of a Richard Brautigan book
--Sign seventeen autographs
--Walk all the way to first base (As many Yankees and Red Sox nearly did last night)
--Run to second base (Jacoby Ellsbury/Julio Lugo only)

--Make crude Artpad/MS Paint drawings of Manny Ramirez dancing.
--Feed, like, two people. Three if you went to college an' shit
--Write three haiku
--Listen to the shortest song ever one hundred and twenty times
--(Start and) finish a bad screenplay. It is that easy!
--Check your bat for excessive pine tar, knowing your history
--All of the above, before you're at last called out on a borderline curveball.

Prognosis: Dislocated Suck

2008-04-15T16:42:00.003-04:00

Admittedly, when you're throwing 82 mph fastballs down the middle to the dreadlocked wonder, there fuckin' better be something wrong with you physically, but isn't the timing on this more than a bit delicious? Mmm, mmm, sweet, sweet tears.

Not a game the Sox were supposed to win last night, which made it all the sweeter. And the savior was ol' pizza face, nemesis of the dream warriors (legitimately good sequel, this one, much some people fetishize the gay one), and, for a night, strikeout machine. 2.2 IP, 4 K, including 2 with the bases loaded of Lester's mess, and all hope of victory in the balance.

The starting pitching hasn't been sharp, but three in a row by any means is an opportunity to get the ship moving. As for Cleveland, it's been time for Betancourt to close for some time now, even if he hasn't been himself so far this year. Goodbye, Joe Borowski. The next close game we actually lose to Cleveland, I'm gonna miss you.

New York City Tax Dollars at work! (Today's caption.)

2008-04-14T13:14:00.004-04:00

"No, Mr. Steinbrenner, this is not below my dignity. No, no, please don't instruct my crew to kick the shit out of me. It wasn't sarcasm, I just need a drink."

The New York Post: News You Can Lose!

2008-04-11T10:41:00.004-04:00

Yup, this is the front page story of a major American ~~news~~paper. It's a weak back page story, really, something for News of the Weird, but do read the article as a lesson in how to stretch a story with bemused quotes.

Additionally, curses are apparently easier to discover than ever: while the Curse of the Bambino wasn't properly "discovered" by this assclown until 1986, 68 years into it; however, 4 championship-less seasons into his time in pinstripes (2 MVP seasons, no matter my feelings on 2005), the Curse of A-Rod, says the article, exists. That's some clever stuff. So there's your solution. Trade A-Rod, and re-sign Paul O'Neill, Scott Brosius (now THAT's a third baseman!) and Luis Sojo, and your problem's solved: new Yankee dynasty.

The Bostonian construction worker pulled a nice prank, even if by putting it under the visitors' clubhouse instead of the Yankees', he missed an opportunity to cause some real bad mojo. And that really matters, you know, if you're one of the people that was really riveted by the search for Babe Ruth's piano or thought the stint on the DL Pedro Martinez logged following his proclamation that he would drill the Bambino in the ass if he ever faced him was cosmic karmic payback.

In other words, this story matters if you're a fucking dolt. But it's amusing to see Yankees fans become the superstitious ones all the same.

Ring-diculous

2008-04-08T13:46:00.004-04:00

Notes on the Ring Ceremony
1) No crazy championship uniforms? I know that the whole point of this was that it had been 86 fucking years, but, hey, you never know when this ring ceremony will be your last. EVER. And imagine how ballsy it would be to wear something like the 1906 N.Y. Giants wore (above) for a day. Now try that shit for a year. Damn.

2) As my astute reporter the 45 King noted,

you watching this thing? representing the 2004 world series champs:

curt leskanic, david mccarty, and daubach.

I'll give it to Leskanic because he pitched some shutout ball for us in the neverending game 5, but, yeah, representatives of a team should generally have played for said team that year.

3) The flags of the world ringed around the warning track in left combined with a saccharine "Theme to New England" by the Boston Pops (more like "Rejected Olympic Theme #4,080) reminded me of something I learned from living abroad half my life.

Q: How much does Sweden, Mexico, Germany, and South Africa really give a shit that the "baseball" franchise from distant Boston in the United States won a misnomered thing called the World Series?
A: NOT. ONE. FUCKING. BIT.

I smell Lucchino and Charles Steinberg's self-aggrandizing ways here. But hey, it's only for a day. Ego trip away. Let's just try winning a game today too.

Designated...for death!

2008-04-07T10:50:00.006-04:00

One of the few/only bright spots of a dispiriting three game sweep to Matt Stairs and a buncha psuedo-Canadians was this: Kyle Snyder's Sox career is as good as over. Because he's been designated for assignment. And we all know what that actually means:

Poor Kyle. He wasn't even good enough to be assigned for death by Mortal Kombat II. Or good enough for me to spend more than two minutes in MS Paint.

Some teams just come out more ready than others out of Spring Training, and let's just say we're not roaring out of the gate this year, partially because of the travel. One below .500 on a (gasp) seven game road trip (that also included five exhibition games) isn't good, but it isn't atrocious either. Bats are always the last thing to get going, you know, unless your bats are facing Kyle Snyder or Manny Delcarmen. Let's just go home now. And rather than think of what a scary team Detroit still might be when they wake up, think of this:

Awww.

Today's caption.

2008-04-02T15:02:00.004-04:00

Melky Cabrera, celebrating his first home run in 163 at bats and one of the thirty-five total home runs the New York Yankees outfield would hit that year.*

*Includes those hit by Damon/Matsui in outfield duty while not on the DH/DL with arthritis, bed sores, and other embarrassing ailments of the aged.

Miscellaneous great quote du jour.

2008-03-26T19:53:00.003-04:00

"I didn't go to school just to eat my lunch." --Jim Leyland