June 2009: In time for June, here comes the Swoon. (Gin and juices, with crushed Xanax on the rim.) Just $2! (Management not responsible for loss of possessions after consumption.)
Some must be wondering about the nickname. Well, the original Gasoline's gone to L.A. to rack up the pitcher abuse points on the back of Joe Torre, but the new one's been doing plenty of hackworth in ol' Scott's place. It's hard to say who will play the role of Polystyrene this early, although my money's on Edwar.
Awesome! The humanization/villainization of Alex Rodriguez continues, this time by the New York Times' article "A-Rod’s Properties and Charity Suggest Some Decrepitude of Soul." (Er, "Stinginess," that was supposed to read. Honest mistake.") This article describes some crappy apartment buildings owned by Mr. Rod in Tampa, FL, with carpets stained from the '90s, rickety banisters, piles of old mattresses rotting by the dumpsters, residents quoted as saying things like "Honestly, I was raised in a ghetto and I was brought up a little better than this." Oh, and managers who manage to lose the rent, then kick out tenants for missing rent.
How the fuck do you lose the rent? A gust of Florida can blow away the wind. It can't blow the money on lottery tickets and...whatever else there is to spend money on in Tampa. Flimsy summer suits? Salsa records? Also, A-Rod donated less than $6K to charity in 2005. And his shitty properties have LOST value!
But you know whose apartment buildings wouldn't be falling apart? Derek Jeter. Now that guy knows how to hire a clutch carpenter, and get his evictions done in April, when it doesn't count as much. Jeter knows not to cut corners or cheat on anything. Because all of your mistakes can come back to you:
The Johan Santana watch is currently on beige alert, as Minnesota remains finicky, the Yankees' ultimatum inspired not the pressure it was supposed to apply but the derisive laughter of a Kindergarten class laughing at the huffy kid who runs out the door with his toys saying he'll never play with them again, the Red Sox are apparently failing to bowl Twins GM Bill Smith over, and the Mets are only in this game in Omar Minaya's mind. Trading away Lastings Thrilledge to Washington might've made your weak arsenal of dealable prospects a little weaker there, Omar. I do like the outfield that's possible if Nick Johnson takes back 1B from the Meathook, though. Milledge, Elijah Dukes, Dmitri Young: there will be blood.
Back to Santana watch: the short-term good news is, the Yankees don't have him.
(Short-term because, well, I'd never give up a Phillip Hughes if I had him. See his September statistics too: 3-0 with a sub-3 ERA. He could real good really soon, like now.)
Long-term good news very well may be, we don't have him. (And thus still have Lester, who was just finding his form; Jacoby Ellsbury, an immediate 2008 Rookie of the Year frontrunner, as well as Justin Masterson and Jed Lowrie, legitimate 3-star prospects.)
Short-term bad news is, with no resolution on all the trade talk swirling about, nor the dreams I can't help but hold of a Santana-Beckett 1-1A punch, I'm wasting my work day hitting reload on the Baseball Prospectus and ESPN.com winter meeting blogs. Baseball season has certain times to look forward to, namely, game time, and whenever BP and Hardball Times (among other sites) load up for the day. The off-season is formless and frustrating and long and cold. Eh. When it's cold, you've just gots to chill.
Pablo Picasso, possibly the greatest artist of the 20th century. Only an rich asshole of remarkable degree would pay a painter of his caliber to paint his house.
Alex Rodriguez, plus shortstop, very toolsy. I wouldn't say that only a rich asshole would pay him to play third base, because his value at the plate relates well at third base. But I will say that it's a dubious move when the incumbent shortstop is of limited range, albeit maximum ability to make minimal plays look maximal via unnecessary jumping, and diving. Plus in 2001, he saved America. Quoth the Guiliani campaign, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. (Pause.) 9/11.
Mike Lowell. Career year at the plate, but most dependably over his career, excellent third baseman. Only a rich asshole and his son would consider signing him to play first base, the easiest position on the field, and also one that Lowell has never played before. And that's what these assholes are trying to do! Because they already have a shortstop playing third base!
Yankee moves to come:
1) Megadeal nets RHP Johan Santana. Santana's golden arm goes to centerfield. 2) Second megadeal nets 3B/1B Miguel Cabrera. Cabrera moves to catcher, C Jorge Posada moves to leftfield. 3) Trade for 1B Richie Sexson. Sexson, being tall and lefthanded, is of course made into a starting pitcher.
As for Lowell, well, I hope he is hearing this shit out to scare Boston into giving him a better deal, not with a truly open ear. I can live with Mike Lowell as a Yankee: I can't live with Mike Lowell being moved out of position to be a Yankee. Forget about it, now. Say no go.
In either case, the love is back...sorta. I feel oddly happy about this movement, actually. Count the blessings:
1) Alex Rodriguez would not be a Sox. 2) The Yankees would not have a chance of bumping up the price for Mike Lowell or signing him outright. 3) The New York tabloids will be entertaining for another year, especially the evil one. Evil and obsessive...all they do is think of you, Alex:
4) Scott Boras will be the first agent to negotiate himself OUT of the negotiations for a high-priced client! Brilliant.
But then, there's the problem:
5) A scary fucking (regular season) hitter would return to the Bronx.
Well, scary and hilariously competitive.
Yeah, come to think of it, sign him, New York. Sign him for fifteen years.
No, dude, it's totally cool. Yeah, yeah, Beckett was deserving, but that doesn't mean he deserved it, if you follow me, not in a year where the Cy Young candidates were this close. Wins, as anyone who reads Prospectus knows, is a silly, arbitrary statistic, so Beckett having the win lead is less than meaningless. And C.C. pitched, like, five more starts in the regular season. Four complete games. Didn't end up meaning anything that C.C. was tired in the postseason, either.
Boss Vaughn says drinks are on the house for C.C. and any Cleveland fans, and that I am not allowed to make any further belittlement of the excellent Cleveland lefty. Especially not fat jokes, which the proprietor's heard enough of for a lifetime.
We'll fire up the grill too, C.C. Have a light snack:
Congratulations to 2007 Rookie of the Year Dustin Pedroia for proving legions of scouts wrong. A 5'4" 150lb second baseman with no particular speed or power can not only be a major leaguer, he can be a vital part of a championship lineup and cover Julio Lugo's ass from the other side of the keystone. All with a broken wrist. That's so solid, no one even need call it scrappy.
Congrats to the voters for not managing to think themselves out of the obvious pick. (Of course, they also went obvious in the NL, where I'da gone for Tulowitzki, but hey, that Braun fella is absorbent and homerun-tastic...plus I do have issues with Tulo insomuch as he's the first shortstop in the majors with Jeter as his hero, something that somehow makes me feel old too.)
Curt'n call. Pretty bad way to announce a pretty good bit of news: 1 more year of Curt at $8 mil, with a possible extra $2 mil in incentives. What about....?
Schill's last thrill! Schill back to the hill! Curt's like a knife! Curt back for 8 million more schillings! Curt back to put on the hurt! Curt Curt Curt! Derp de derp! Give Curt his schillings or else they will be killings:
Any Yankee fan knows the danger of letting a team down 0-3 linger. As Manny Ramirez said, "We don't want to go eating the cake before your birthday." Birthday? Your? Point received, but let tonight be a funeral. Insert classic cold beatdown track on the jukebox:
Barkeep here. Just putting two songs for the jukebox and breaking them down a bit. The Breaks is a great way to actually dig for samples if you choose to.
1. Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians, "What I Am"
Thanks to UMG for actually making this video available. This song got too big for its own good when I was seven or so watching MuchMusic. Y'know, the Canadian music channel?
Lemme just put it this way. J and the Family Roam was in Ecuador then. I loved this song. Then I heard "Slow Down" by Brand Nubian about 15 years later and loved that too.
2. Crooklyn Dodgers (Original Squad), "Crooklyn"
Loose and beautiful track by three amazing emcees...if only for one track. An all-star team that actually is in continual rotation with a hook placed in between them.
Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest is a great producer. The song's about Brooklyn of that moment (1994) and of a different time (the 1970s, which Crooklyn was about).
Beautiful samples to my ear here include a championship call (Brooklyn wins! Brooklyn wins!) and the hard-ass DJ Premier/Guru collaboration "The Place Where We Dwell." (Never taking shorts 'cuz Crooklyn's the borough.)
And now let's switch to the walking headphones. G'day.
Hey. Proprietor speaking. We're cleaning up this place. Had to send the barkeeper home; he's working too hard on his other nine jobs. Just catch up for awhile. Try the jukebox and don't even watch this guy's hands. I had hands like that. They build buildings now. Good night.
