Thursday, October 4, 2007


Not too much today. Maybe something to come on whatever Sterling says about "Thaaaaa New York Yankeeesss" tonight. I'm trying to keep my job. Simple as that.

But I'll let you in on a couple things.

1) I'm going to try very hard to root for the Yankees throughout this. I cannot explain this to my Bostonian readers yet (and am not even trying to touch Maine yet...beautiful place, but yeah, I was there when there was sun) and this is an EXPERIMENT. I'll see if I can find a New York Giants hat. It's as close as I can come to betrayal through writing instead of...I don't even want to know.

Look, I even have a friend in the NYPD now. For me that is...difficult.

Alright. Time to recycle from the ol' blog. Gary Sheffield and Tim McCarver in an interview that has never happened.

I respect Sheff yet never, ever want to meet him or have him on our team, because I remember when I thought Fenway could become Jurassic Park.

2a) Sidebar. Jock Bio. Sheffield. Wow.


Lights up on Tim McCarver, by himself, as he probably should be. He's coherent, but he is drinking the Yankee Kool-Aid.

Gary Sheffield has a pair of the fastest hands in the game. So fast, in fact, that Gary says when he watches film of himself, he’s surprised himself.

Change the scene. We see McCarver interviewing Sheffield, pre-recorded.

GARY SHEFFIELD (as a Yankee)
When I watch the game films of my at-bats, y’know, and I see how fast I get my hands through the zone, y’know, it’s surprising, yeah. I mean, they whip through the zone. I’m not thinking about how fast my hands move when I’m at the plate, I’m just trying to hit the pitch. But my hands, y’know, they just move so…elegantly. Like two little ballerinas attached to my wrists. Like two cheetahs grafted to my elbows.

And then, when I watch my homeruns, y’know, on the game films, well, I don’t really get to admire my homeruns in the game. I’m just trying to not disrespect the sanctity of the game, just round the bases and let the crowd let me hear it. But the motion of those moon shots, y’know, it’s like watching the Eagle land. It’s like watching the World Trade Center towers fall…but, y’know, good. Those 450-foot shots are as much a part of American history as any shot in World War II. But I’m not aware of that, except, y’know, when I watch the film.

And sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror, and y’know, I don’t get to look at myself as much as, say, my wife, or the fans, or those who watch me on TV. I unfortunately have this condition that makes it impossible for me to, like, turn my eyeballs back upon myself and, like, admire my own countenance? But then, sometimes, I’m lucky enough to see my own image reflected, in a mirror or a similar reflecting surface. And, man, I really am a handsome man. My face could be as timeless as Cary Grant’s, really. Y’know, most of the time, I’m just going about my business, not thinking about the fact that every woman I pass is getting incredibly moist at just a quick glance at me. So, yeah, of course, that’s a surprise. Every day is a pleasant surprise. I love being me. I never know what new greatness I’ll find out about myself tomorrow. Me: it’s the best.

Back to McCarver, on his own, watching this film. Realizing...oh dear God I think I liked announcing for the Mets after all.

Smarter men than me would have nothing to say either. Harry Carey, even. This…was Tim McCarver.

(3?) Yeah, I said 9/11, but hey, this guy is truly exploiting it and could be elected President.

I'm aware this could be offensive to many. I believe in catharsis. The play I was blessed to have put up here was about 9/11 and was inspired by THIS. Deb Margolin tried to teach me some nerve and succeeded.

Blah blah blah. Here's the dick joke I promised. Kinda.

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