Oakland 7, Boston 1, Bottom of 4th Inning.

Dear Clay Bucholz,

How's Triple-A? Lame, no? Kelsey ain't even visiting you, is she? Guess Pawtucket isn't her kinda town, let alone Buffalo or Indianapolis. Anyway, just wanted to tell you to get better soon. Really soon. At least your sometimes catastrophic starts serve a learning purpose.

Yours,
Josh

GAME TWO: And now back to...spring training. Right.

And he's healthy. (In March, anyway.)

Rich Harden was very hard to hit, no one has ever swept one of these two-game series in Japan (in three tries), Manny Ramirez still has his hitting shoes on, J.D. Drew did too but apparently came to Japan to play the two games that didn't count instead of the two that did, and we're a long way from Boston. (Three that don't count in the Colosseum with the Dodgers, three that do at Oakland, and then April 8th comes at last.)

Anyway, that was a diversion, if not a real opening. Konichiwa, bitches.

GAME ONE: Baseball, or Bizarroball?

Baseball is played in the afternoon or evening no matter where you live. It is played within the continuous 51 states, including the province of Ontario. It is played from April to October, and very rarely, November.

Bizarroball is played at 6 in the fucking morning EST, an hour only masochists will suffer to wake, and ends while you're sitting in front of your office desk really having to get your ass to work. It is played in March in a land destroyed by monsters between exhibition series, yet Bizarroball games count in the standings.

Baseball pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka is sometimes brilliant, with control problems.

Bizarroball pitcher Ekusiad Akazustam walked 5, struck out 6, gave up 2 hits and 2 runs. But he had a pitch count put on him! In a supposedly regular season game! Of 90! Bizarro!!!!

Baseball pitcher Kyle Snyder sucks.

Bizarroball pitcher Elyk Redyns (not to be confused with that comedic and often naked actor) sucks. But he's put in close games instead of mop-up situations, to give up leads! Bizarro!!!!

Baseballer Jonathan Papelbon can be nearly unhittable.

Bizarroballer Nahtanoj Noblepap looked like shit and did everything he could to give up a hard-earned lead in the 10th before holding on. (Noble though his pap might be.)



But ultimately, a very non-bizarro event (J.D. Drew is a late scratch due to a back ailment, apparently having played out his early power for the year with his 2 grand slams in the Japanese League exhibitions...the bastard) put a double bizarroed Brandon Moss into the lineup, one suddenly able to hit major league home runs (his first, off Huston Street, to tie it in the 9th) . And the rest was Manny being Ynnam. A sweet victory snatched from

One strange event we can be certain won't happen tomorrow, again: me waking up early to watch the first half of these games. I needs me my ten hours of beauty sleep, baby, so I looks like this:



instead of my normal self:

GAME FIFTY SIX: So very tired.

Oakland 5, Boston 4 (11 Innings), a monologue for nine actors
by Josh Drimmer

The Boston Red Sox, yawning, enter. They have come off a red eye from Boston to Oakland to play the Athletics, a good team with excellent pitching. This is not the normal starting nine; Alex Cora and Eric Hinske are in there, playing SS and 1B, respectively.

RED SOX (more or less in unison)

Man, that trip sucked...fucking Bud, and his schedule-makers...the Yankees, and now, this? Does it even matter who we...

Haren's good. Remember this kid from Game 1 in '04? I know Wakefield does. We nearly lost that game...if he'd started it we might have...aw, man am I tired. Lowell, what was that drink you mixed me? Was that supposed to put me to sleep? Shit, it hyped us up, man. I lost $500 playing hold 'em in the back of the plane drunk off my ass drinking "Mike's Hard Cuban Lemonade." Francona wasn't even planning on resting this much of the team...eh, at least you're hitting...I...the worst part is, no one in Boston's even awake right now...that was rum? Sure it was.

Oh shit, it's the 9th inning already? Julian pitched alright, man. That Haren kid is one thing, but...wait, Alan Embree's still in the league? I thought he retired after we...oh, right, of course, that was Keith. Man, Keith deserved better from the city of Boston. I have, like, no memory when I get no sleep. Back to the point...Embree's...wait, he's the closer now? Julian isn't losing this game, boys. Let's put up an inning...

HELL YEAH! TIE GAME! Schedule makers, kiss our asses! Now let's...shit. Well, let's see if we can get us some extras...phew. J.C., man, that was some inning. Well, sorta. Better to be lucky than good, right? Eh, Mike? Kings against Aces...they teach you how to put a mechanic's grip on in Cuba?

C'mon Kyle. Okajima and Papelbon could use the rest. Chavez isn't that good. You can...

Oooh. A high fastball isn't so good a...

That's out of here, isn't it?

Pass me that lemonade, man. And two Tylenol PM. Or you could just...I...

Players collapse to the floor, exhausted. We hear a lot of snoring. "I'm So Tired" by The Beatles plays as lights fade. End of play.

GAME TWENTY-FOUR: @#(*)%@

Well, that sucked. Who do the Oakland Athletics think they are? Marco Scuturo hits a three-run home run to shatter Mariano's 2007 air of unhittability, and now another some more of the A's team grabbed off the 2/$0.99 rack mounts a rally/blown save by Jon Papelbon. I remember this from the 2003 season, all the way down to the Grady Little-Pedro Martinez game: losing games you've already notched as wins in your mind, sucks. What's with the city of Oakland right now? The Warriors are making their first playoff noise since, like, Run-T.M.C. and well before they took on the Power Rangers logo. I feel like Houdini after his stomach punch. (You know, the one that didn't kill him.) If I recover, I'll post some more today.