Friday, June 19, 2009

Dear Red Sox Management,

You got your gate in, you got your gate out, you got your fucking team a one-run loss in a barely-official game that would have been just as cheap a result if the Marlins had lost. You even managed to get Mike Lowell, one of the most work-a-day players on the ship, to bitch about this. I know you have stats people up there. What part of 100% chance of rain do you not understand?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dumbest Possible Purchases from the Rays Catalogue

(Part 2/5. Much as I'd love to write about how fucking awesome the Red Sox are performing, the 500th sell-out festivities and that moment of child-like joy between Jason Bay and Bobby Orr, and the delusion I'm getting that we're somehow going to be able to fleece a catcher off the Rangers for Brad Penny and a C-prospect, this catalogs are fucking hilarious.)

Look, just because everyone hates the Yankees doesn't make it a good idea for any and every American League team to claim them as a "rivalry." Unless this shirt is not a shirt at all, but rather a 70% lead garment/weapon you can use to beat the octogenarian New York transplants into silence, this is dumb.

("Beat New York." Like, Beat New Yorkers. Get it! Huh? Hey, where'd you go?)

Three interlocking Rays rings. Why three? Cheap engagement ring he promises he'll replace once he gets his next paycheck, marriage ring you accept reluctantly, failed reconciliation gift. Seriously, this ring is sadder than the Hal McCrae years.

Your infant is not a fan of the Rays. She is a fan of breast milk, being burped, and that squeaky funny voice Da-da does, and branding your kid a Rays fan is about as natural as branding it a Republican. And you need to do something about that organic scent coming from your organic fan, too. This is an indoor stadium.

Back side of the frame reads, "And born to move to Vegas/Portland/San Jose in 5 years!"

"Huh. You have a blown-up ticket on your wall."

"Yeah, man, isn't it fuckin' sweet?"

"Yeah. Yeah. To an August game between the Devil Rays and the Indians. Huh. Is this pop art or something?"

"No way, dude, it wasn't just any August game, man."

"Well, the Rays sucked then, so it couldn't have meant that much. Um...were you there? Did they lose by some amazing number of runs? Did you meet your ex-girlfriend on August 7, 1999?"

"Nah, dude, I met Shawnee in the Sonic parking lot after a Jackyl show."


"Wade fucking Boggs, man."


"He played for Tampa Bay?" (Beat.) "Do you have that fifty bucks you owe me?"

At last, the carrying ability of a plate, the spinning sensation of vertigo, and the jarring explosive sensation of having your head ripped apart, all at once! What a deal!

You know, just because you can create a hat almost uglier than the original Rainbow Warrior team lids doesn't mean you should. One nice element: the arrows, which direct you to exactly where on the forehead to punch the head that dares wear this.

Rejected front of hat design: "Tampa Bay Rays: 2nd Place in 2008!"

Rejected back of hat element, in red lettering: "Tampa Bay 1, Philadelphia 4"

Seriously, I'm not belittling the Rays' accomplishment in 2008--they were certainly a frightening, frightening team when they were pummeling the Red Sox for 2.5 out of the 3 middle games of the ALCS--but people who wear League Champions hats wear Wild Card Champions hat, as though there is a championship of 2nd.

The notable feature here, in case you didn't notice, is the Removablity of the logo panel. This way, when you come to your senses, or at least get on another bandwagon when your team misses the playoffs, you can remove the Rays logo, trash it along with the baby Rays crap your kid outgrew, sit your big ass back on your bare recliner, and get on with your life.

In a matter of speaking.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dumbest Possible Purchases from the Yankees Catalogue

(This is part one of five of a planned American League East series. I'm all but certain this will be the funniest entry already, however.)

With the staying power of "God Bless America" at the Stadium, eight years after 9/11, isn't it simply implicit that if you love the Yankees, you love America, get a rash any time you accidentally drink foreign beer or foreign-owned American beer (fuck off, Budweiser!), waterboard Sully from Roxbury every chance you get, personally fought eight tours in Iraq, three in Iran on your own initiative, and cum a little bit in your pants every time you hear the comely screech of Kate Smith?

No, it's not implicit? Well, fucking buy this, then.

Diagonally? And you signed Bill Mueller and David Ortiz for nothing? Pretty sneaky, Theo!

"I know you woulda made the bigs if you didn't knock up Mom when you were playing with the Tantallon Traders in the East Central Saskatoon League, and I know you can't stand Billy Martin, so hey, happy Father's Day, Pa!"

"Now get loose in the bullpen. Wang's pitching, for Christ's sake."

Brah, if that hat actually looked that tattered when you bought it, and I know it did, I'm going to have to pull out my box cutter and show you what a truly tattered hat/head looks like.

Yeah, those are little Yankee emblems in the pattern of the sash around your girlfriend's waist. And she knows you spent $75 bucks on the sash; you told her twice. She's still breaking up with you.

Sorry Yankees, the Mets already have dibs on the whole fake-Brooklyn-Dodgers thing. May we suggest another defunct team from the menu? Perhaps a side of Philadelphia Athletics?

The item is actually tasteful enough, and it's less than $20 to boot. Mainly, it's the sheer creepiness of this image that's disturbing me. They shouldn't have used the HH-1955 filter.

"And if you don't like the Yankees, kiss my Royal, Irish, unemployed, quickly expanding ass!!"

/belches, opens a second fifth of Vat 69, gives up entirely.

Meh. If I was a styling lady with a bikini body, I would have asked for this model:

I heard it comes with free hGh, too.

The Where's Waldo? of Yankee items. Flowers, patterns, flowers, patterns, and THERE it is! Yeah. Awesome. Why did I buy these?

For the family in the $5,000 seats with the toddler in the $125 Baby LeBrons, a $55 jacket that will last 9 months, so he's warm at the thrilling Yankee victory he won't remember, towards the start of a childhood he will later resent. Happy days.


1) Is this a dark or light crystal?
2) Can you talk with the crystal? Does a hologram shoot out of it? Will the crystal make me kill for it?
3) Does the crystal give me the ability to mesmerize any of Jeter's exes, that legion of 1,290 dissatisfied starlets? (And counting!)
3) When were MVP Crystals first given out to athletes who never won MVPs?
4) How much of the value of this collectible has it lost since I first started asking questions? Did it have any when we started?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Sigh, just 10 to go.

Talking baseball to my girlfriend because, well, someone had to hear out my excitement after the Red Sox completed another sweep with a stirring 4-3 counter-comeback, I explained the importance of the Red Sox winning their first eight against their most likely long-term competitor this year in the AL East like so:

More Likely Outcomes
Games Back
Red Sox win 3/8

Red Sox win 4/8

Red Sox win, gasp, 5 of 8

"And if they lost today, they'd be tied," she replied.

Exactly. So overhyped as the Red Sox/Yankees neverending series has been post-2003, dead even as they've been over those same years, this has been the one season where the Red Sox, thus far, have saved these rocky two and a half months--the awful start, the .500 May, the starters' initial reluctance to be good--by, you know, not losing to the Yankees. At all.

Two World Series removed from a lingering sense that all this team does must end in doom, that still seems pretty fucking weird. So does the feeling of disappointment that we can't play the Highlanders nee Baltimore Orioles I until August. The flipside being that I will be told "Take off that hat!" at a 3-6X rate walking around New York than during a standard successful Sox season. Sweet, sweet music.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Long and Grand List of Qualifying Major League Players With An Inferior VORP to David Ortiz

And the list reads....

No, that's it, really. Chris Young of the Arizona Diamondbacks, who was also supposed to be much better than this. And nothing more. The un-qualifying list reads just as badly. David Ortiz is truly the second worst everyday player in the majors on this, our Lord's second day of the third month of the Base Ball season. What, you don't believe me? Click the chart below:

If that awful image doesn't content you, look it up yourself. We aren't looking at Jeff Francour simply out of belief he can turn it around. We're looking at him because he's an upgrade over David Ortiz right now. Our team is 89.4 runs better than a team composed of nothing but AAAA guys, so yes, you could bump that up to 100.6 runs if you just replaced David Ortiz with...

Okay, technically, you'd lose half a run with undead Jason Giambi, but that heartbreak would be replaced with amusement. Call Beane, stat.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Rejected Lineups

Francona came up with a good lineup to bring the offense briefly back to life. Here are a few not that good ones.

The Get It Over With (aka, The Seppuku)

1. Ortiz DH
2. Green SS
3. Varitek C
4. Ellsbury CF
5. Drew RF (for lefty-lefty stacking)
6. Pedroia 2B
7. Youkilis 1B
8. Lowell 3B
9. Bay LF

The Keep it on the DL (Damaged Lineup)

1. Lugo 2B
2. Lowrie 3B
3. Baldelli CF
4. Carter 1B
5. Ortiz DH
6. Kotsay LF
7. Brown C
8. Van Every RF
9. Velazquez SS

The Tito Been Watching Too Many Baseball Movies

1. Hayes, Willie Mays CF
2. Bailey, Bartholmew "Bump" LF
3. Hobbs, Roy DH

4. Serrano, Pedro RF
5. Chambers, Emory "Champ" 3B
6. (Unknown Second Basemen Never Shown in Major Leagues I-III), 2B
7. Bud, Air 1B
8. Pearson, Bruce C
9, Eckstein, David SS (From The David Eckstein Story, a harrowing story of an untalented athlete whose ego, inflated by fans' love of his littleness and his whiteness, led to terrible drunken repercussions after the glory was gone. Coming in 2015. Screenwriter, J. Drimmer.)

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