Center for Papelbondian Disease Control

Manny Ramirez= Cancer.

Wil Cordero= Lupus, or any other auto-immune disease that batters the shit out of you.

Jose Canseco= Gigantism.

Shea Hillenbrand= Kidney failure.

Rob Deer= Severe flatulence.

Grady Little= Alzheimer's.

John McNamara= Syphillis, long untreated. You know, like, Ibsen-style.

Don Zimmer= Diabetes, at the onset of complete blindness.

Matt Clement= Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Rudy Seanez= Diarrhea.

Ramiro Mendoza= Munchausen Syndrome.

Eric Gagne= Gangrene.

Frank Castillo= Mono.

Ramon Martinez= Osteoporosis.

Carl Everett= Super-AIDS, or any other horrible disease not mentioned in the Bible.

False hype, false media, we don't need it, do we?

My love of the Sox-Yankees rivalry has been deeply tempered by all the bullshit that seemingly must come with it. A case example of this has been the Papelbon-Mo Rivera "rivalry" that has all the New York papers talking, still.

Prime pickings, of course, is the New York Post'stenuous "article" only publishable as article rather than pure opinion because of a surprise false media member. Al Leiter?

"Some guys, apparently Papelbon is one of them, I wish they would engage their mind before they opened their mouth," said YES analyst Al Leiter.

"You're in Yankee Stadium, and to insult Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in the history of the sport, is not smart."

I'm not even going to touch the greatest closer of all time thing, because there's an argument to be made there. (Although Eck is my pick.) Let's just go back a second to the actual, unadulterated quote from Pap:



"If I was managing the team, I would close. I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter. ... We've both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah. It's not that easy. Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."

Does that sound all that impetuous to you? Curiously, Papelbon isn't even arguing his right to close due to his accomplishments: rather, he's

a) Honestly asserting the confidence all closers should have, as in, "Yes, I should be closing, because I'm the best, and the day I don't think I'm the best is the day my downfall begins." Of course if he's managing, he'd be closing! If I was managing, I would kick Pedroia's scrawny ass off the diamond and play 2nd base! If he didn't want the 9th inning, there would be the problem. Closing is a psychologically difficult task. Seriously.

b) Re-stating the "to the victors go the spoils" doctrine, an old one that once gave the All-Star manager the right to pick so many players from their own team, especially if said manager was Joe Torre.

There is no insult here. Except that Al Leiter is already falling down the slippery slope from genuinely talented analyst to Yankee speakbox. Here's hoping he finds a fireable offense to fall into so he can go off to Seattle or some other city where he can get a grip again. The Post is just being the Post. And George Vescey's hope that in "the Papelbon era" a more acrimonious rivalry may be re-ignited is optimistic thinking. The days a pitcher could have his arm broken under a dog pile have been long gone.



I'm not even buying the "hot" label on this Yankee team right now: Too many wounds, too many wrinkles, and with Jorge Posada likely to need the 1B/DH slot as a crutch for the remainder of his career, not much chance they're going to end up with Mark Texiera. Until I see this Yankee team beat an elite team, ideally on the road, I'm not buying the hype on their return.

And yes, this would be one such chance for them. Bring it.

Victory Parade: DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!

Big notes post coming later this week. For now, enjoy the parade galleries and the utter insanity of our closer.

GAME TWENTY-FOUR: @#(*)%@

Well, that sucked. Who do the Oakland Athletics think they are? Marco Scuturo hits a three-run home run to shatter Mariano's 2007 air of unhittability, and now another some more of the A's team grabbed off the 2/$0.99 rack mounts a rally/blown save by Jon Papelbon. I remember this from the 2003 season, all the way down to the Grady Little-Pedro Martinez game: losing games you've already notched as wins in your mind, sucks. What's with the city of Oakland right now? The Warriors are making their first playoff noise since, like, Run-T.M.C. and well before they took on the Power Rangers logo. I feel like Houdini after his stomach punch. (You know, the one that didn't kill him.) If I recover, I'll post some more today.

GAMES FOUR-SIX: 1-2, and good?

Yes, I can hear the fatalists: "Buhhhh. We're 3-3. What's wrong with these guys? Mwa mwa mwa mwa." Easy, people. Let's compare and contrast by the only point of comparison y'all seem to care about. The MFYs.

Red Sox: 3-3. Could be 4-3 if it weren't for total power failure in one game (in classic Tim Wakefield gets no run support fashion), but basically, 3-3 is what they should be.

Yankees: 2-4. Could be...0-6. If Chris Ray hadn't fallen completely apart in the 9th inning for the O's, quite uncharacteristic for the burgeoning (yup, he's "burgeoning" good: the B.J. Ryan non-resigning has worked out just fine and dandy) young closer, that's 1-5. No big comeback on opening day against the rather shitty D'Rays bullpen and that's 0-6. I'll grant that the snow game (well, one of a few) with Pettite on the mound could have gone either way. That's it.

Red Sox: Excellent starting pitching, excellent relieving. Schilling's first game seemed like an aberration based off his excellent start yesterday; particularly considering Piniero's near-blown save/game in the 8th, I would have considered keeping him in, Francona, but caution with a 40-year-old starter is understandable. Fun watching yesterday's game on ESPN: the K Zone showed Schilling continually hitting the corners. By which I mean, the exact diagonal corners of the strike zone. Gotta love a power pitcher with pinpoint accuracy. Far as his politics...at least he's in favor of stem cell research?

Far as Saturday's game, Julian Tavarez apparently, um, forgot his sinker?, but he's a fifth starter; wait until Lester returns. You know why he and Manny are best friends? Because they're both fucking crazy. At least Manny hasn't exhibited irrational violence since charging Roger Clemens after a pitch nowhere near hitting him in Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS. But I still have fond memories of that.


(Did Zimmer deserve that? Sure. That's for 1978, bitch.)

Anyway...

Yankees: Um, you've still got Mariano...and Andy Pettite pitched really well in his second appearance...pitching one inning in relief yesterday because your bullpen was really tired...because in four of your five games, your starter failed to go five innings...and the one pitcher who did gave up seven runs in those five innings. Here's my breakdown of the supposed AL East favorite's rotation:

(Chien-Ming Wang= DL, future unknown.)
Mike Mussina= Standing On The Verge Of Getting It On. (Retirement, that is.)

Andy Pettite= Welcome back to the American League; here's your 5+ ERA.

Kei Igawa= future long reliever.

Carl Pavano= Carl Pavano. Also, liable to die in this season's car crash.

Darrell Rasner= Darrell Rasner, waiver wire pickup...from the Nationals. (See their rotation and think of that.)

(Phillip Hughes/Roger Clemens: One isn't ready. The other's a long shot to return, especially if he wants to come back to Fenway and put a full circle on it all; plus, it might be too late if and when he does come back. Don't overlook the Blue Jays just yet.)

It's easy for the rational baseball fan to take a second and be high on the Sox's start. (I didn't even mention the bullpen; there are still question marks, but so far so good. And Papelbon yesterday? Sooooo good. The Rangers couldn't hit him if they had four strikes to a strikeout.)

So yeah, Red Sox: okay start, great signs of excellence to come. Yankees: don't panic yet. But don't say I didn't warn ya.

And now, some highlights from idiocy incarnate. Yup, it's Joe Morgan. Last night's obvious and oblivious statements (selected):

"You know, I don't think this fastball was away, I think it was supposed to be away, let's look at it...(replay shows outside pitch) Well, I guess it was outside."

On having a good hitter bat third:

"See, the good thing about having a good hitter batting third, the first two batters might make outs and you still get an at-bat in for one of your best guys. (So THAT's why Francona didn't bat Alex Cora third! GENIUS!)

On Ron Washington changing from 3rd base coach to manager:

"And there's a difference between being a third base coach and a manager! Somewhat different relationship with the players."

On Ron Washington, as A's third base coach v. as Rangers manager:

"And there is a difference between being a manager and a third base coach! Somewhat different relationship with the players."

After K Zone showed a borderline pitch was a ball:

"I didn't have any doubt it was a ball because [apparently perfect home plate umpire] Culbreth called it a ball!"

During a pitching change, just before Javier Lopez walked out to face a batter:

"Papelbon must be coming in because I don't see anyone else in the bullpen. Oh, wait, there's Lopez."

On Kenny Lofton's power: Mentioned he has just over 100 homeruns. Or, you know, SEVEN homeruns a season, roughly. Get ready to run to the warning track when he's up!

Enough of that, since I'm sure picked up on plenty here. Credit due to Joe for not making standard stupid anti-Moneyball comments as the A's kept coming up as a subject.

And happy birthday, Peter Gammons. Never slow down, never grow old.

Jon Papelbon/sanity returns to the bullpen.

The Good: Jon Papelbon goes back to closing, apparently for good if he has his way.

“This is something I want to do for the rest of my career,” said Papelbon, who went 4-2 with 35 saves and a 0.92 ERA in 59 appearances last season. “Hopefully, what (Mariano) Rivera did for the Yankees, I can do for the Red Sox.”

The Bad: Tim Wakefield is no longer one of the best fifth starters in the league, but an adequate fourth. Joel Piniero money likely wasted already. Boo hoo hoo.

The Ugly: Julian Tavarez is the fifth starter. (Actually, this isn't so bad. It's ugly in a literal sense. Really ugly. Maybe New England kids will dress up as Julian for Halloween.)