The Sterling Variations: Melky Cabrera

When Melky does good:

Sweet Mother's Melk!

Cabrera could have settled for second, but he Melk-ed that one for a triple! Oh my!

And Cabrera is now 3-3 today against Bartolo Colon. He sure can Melk that cow!

Melk does a body good! (As some lucky friend of A-Rod's friend will find that out after the game!)

When Melky does not do good:

Strike three, and Melk has been skimmed by Escobar. He's been feeding him nothing but formula today.

Melk just hasn't been himself the last ten games. Call him Malk.

The Sterling Variations: Hideki Matsui

When Hideki does good:

Hideki hi-decks that one out of here!
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Domo arigato, Hideki ari-got it!
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Moshi moshi and sayonara! Hideki moshi moshi MASHED it!
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A Hiroshima from Hideki!*
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JOHN
Banzai! Hideki threw himself into the left field wall with no concern for his life, taking one for the Emperor!

SUZY WALDMAN
George is calling himself the emperor now?

JOHN
As you would know if you had any rudimentary understanding of Japan, Suzy, I'm referring to Emperor Hirohito, Suzy. The allegiance the Japanese people still have for him being, of course, the reason we can't trust Japs. (beat.) Everyone knows that!

Fifteen seconds of dead air pass.
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When Hideki does not good:

JOHN
And now Hideki is jawing with the umpire. I wonder if something is getting...Lost in Translation?

SUZY
God, I hate this job.

JOHN
Woman, don't make me turn your microphone off again like I did for the first 40 games this season.

SUZY
I'll be good.

*Look, the man does say "An A-bomb from A-Rod." And I like going too far, damnit. (See new comment on "The Sterling Variations: Derek Jeter.")

The Sterling Variations: Derek Jeter

Jeter does good:

Don't hate the Jeter, hate the game!

Derek Jeter, world beater!

Derek Jeter, establishing his credentials for this year's Nobel Peace Prize!

Way back, it is GONE! A homerun for Derek Jeter that he probably hit for some kid with cancer!

Derek Jeter, continuing to heal New York's 9/11 wounds while bringing a tear to America's collective eye with his scintillating play! Wow!

Jeter does not do good:

(None. When has THAT happened?)

The Sterling Variations: Mike Mussina

Upon bad performances:

Mike's second wild pitch of the game. The Moose is loose!

Moose Season opens early in the 5th inning, and Vlad Guerrero has bagged himself a big one; 7-3 Angels.

Ball four, and Mike takes objection with the strike zone again. He thinks that's pure Bull-winkle.

Out comes Joe to take the ball from Mussina, and it looks like the Moose is making tracks.

The Sterling Variations: Johnny Damon

Upon success:

Way back...and Johnny is gone-ee!
Damon with a clean cut to right field! The Yankees win, the-uh Yankees win!!!
And Johnny Damon turns water to wine and defeat to victory with an amazing leaping catch!
Johnny got his gun!
Jesus Christ!

Upon failure:

Damon was aimin' for the seats, but got under it.
And Damon strikes out to end the game. As that German guy said, maybe God Is Dead.

The Sterling Variations, vol. 1: Jason Giambi

This is John Sterling. He announces Yankee games. He has for a few years. He needs to be fired for the love of the game and big baby jesus. He is the man behind such inane catchphrases like "An A-Bomb from A-Rod!" and "Melky Cabrera! The Melky way!"

Here are a few things he didn't say, but could have, things not necessarily worse than "The Giambino!"

Upon Jason Giambi success:

--A grand salami for Giambi!
--Jason racin' around the bases! Safe!
--Moneyball four, and Jason walks.
--Giambi fucked your mommy!

Upon Jason Giambi failure:

--Jason went chasin'. Strike three.
--Giambi's not happy with that call, but it appears that home plate ump Bruce Froemming is telling him, 'Go tell it to the committee.' Strike three.
--Giambi, go back home to your mommy!
--Giambi tried for home that play, but he ran out of juice.