ALDS Post-Script Letter

Dear John Lackey,

First of all, I feel your sadness. And so, I play this for you:



GROW THE FUCK UP. Are the Red Sox a better team than the Angels, definitively? No one can make such an assessment. Over these four games? Yes. Absolutely. No doubt.

Was it so tragic that "[Sunday] night they scored three runs on a pop fly that was called a hit, which was a joke." Depends. You know whose fault that was? YOUR TEAM. If any of them had at least made a move towards the ball and dropped it, they could have called it an error. Which would have been fair. And still scored three runs.

In other words, this comment constitutes throwing your defense under the bus. Which is your m.o. judging from the faces you made as Aybar let a Bay single go under his glove, and Figgins fucked up a throw to second. I bet your infield just loves playing behind you when you show them up.

What about how, "[Monday] night they scored on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out, and he's fist-pumping on second base like he did something great." Well, there's two points here.

The broken-bat ground ball out: with runners on first-and-third, a ground ball out can score a run. That's baseball. I agree with you that it is unfair that it didn't score via blistering single delivered straight for your ear hole, John. That would have been more fair, scored a run, and left you bleeding. From your ear hole.

The "fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out." Well, let's see.

--In Citizens Bank Park, PNC Park, Yankee Stadium, and many other fairly small parks: It's an out. Out of the park. Dustin Pedroia was robbed of two bases and one RBI here, and the Red Sox were robbed of a 3-0 lead, by your logic. Cue the violin.

--In Williamsport, PA: A super homerun. Orange slices for everyone as they beat Curacao! (Hey, you said anywhere in America, John. I'm staying true to your word.

--In Anaheim: A double unless ol' man Anderson is playing deep. Maybe even so. He kinda clocked this one. And in Anaheim in August, it's a home run.

--Most importantly, in Boston, when hit on October 6, 2008: A motherfucking double. That's the park. It's been that way for 61 fucking years, when the Monster was built. You think it's unfair? Go cry with Bob Feller and Pat Darcy, since Fisk's home run wouldn't have been a fair ball in, um, Petco Park.

The game is the game is the game, and for hitting a solidly hit double unplayable in Fenway Park, Dustin Pedroia has the God-given right to pump his fist. Your team employs a dickhole who celebrates every save like he just won the Powerball. What are you talking about, John Lackey?



These are the grapes I am eating right now. They are sweet and delicious, let me tell you. But don't take my word for it. Keep believing they're sour. You dumb, self-centered, arrogant fuck.

Look forward to facing you in 2009,

Josh