Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sights I saw at New Yankee Stadium.

--Gigantic, terrifying huge ballplayers (pictured above), including a fading shortstop with less range than David Eckstein, a vainglorious and (physically and mentally) wounded third baseman, and a 34.50 ERA sinkerballer whose sinkers seem to move to the middle and center of the plate. And Jeter had wings like Mothra. I would have been terrified if I wasn't listening to King Geedorah.

--Unfinished concrete all around the place reminiscent of a cheap New York condo building, now desperate and open to rental. All around the place probably not including the luxury boxes.

--Advertising for a truly modern Murderer's Row. Utz probably wouldn't make the 40 corporation roster:

Met Life
Bank of America
Bud Light
J & R
Stop and Shop
(Unknown Japanese Company)
W.B. Mason
Modell's (featuring a really gross ad that responded to a broken bat, with a broken bat animation then queuing us, hey, need a new bat? Gotta Go To Mo's! When an opposing player is out with an injury, I hope they flash a Beth Israel Hospital ad.)
The Sharper Image (still exists?)
Steiner Sports
Delta (including the Delta 360 Luxury Box; if you're dumb enough to blow $2K+ to see a ballgame from your own shelter, shouldn't you at least demand a touch of unsponsored class?)
H&R Block (Also with their own luxury lounge [not exactly fiscally conservative] and a tax hints feature between innings; y'know, on April 22nd, the only hint anyone can logically give is, Do your fucking taxes already or scurry to Liberia now.)
The Sporting Authority
Dunkin' Donuts
Poland Spring
Jim Bean
New York Daily News
Turkey Hill
24 Hour Fitness
Geico (including dancing fucking geckos everywhere when Johnny Damon hit the only homerun of the game)
P.C. Richard and Son

Yeah. And that's not a complete list, that's what I could actually spot from my seat on the very highest row in the ballpark, a position greatly alleviated by the fact that I wasn't sitting in the upper deck, I was in the "Grandstand." Which I'm surprised isn't the name for Standing Room Only seats, actually.

--An entirely empty section at field level and an all-but empty (two residents) section on the mezzanine level. Seatfillers, Oscar-style, can't be far away now, since Yankee management can't possibly be rational enough to drop prices and even reconsider the 3% spike coming in 2010.

--I also heard the humming, annoying ventilation/AC unit all night long. Don't believe what anyone tells you, because that much technology can't be needed to ventilate/cool a stadium on a night as cold as last. I said it. Yankee Stadium becomes a motherfuckin' airship when necessary, and there will be a playoff game played at 30,000 feet, or maybe a battle between Jorge Posada and Kain, captain of the Dragoons. Yep, that's where the last $750 million went.

--As far as the experience from the cheap seats is concerned, the above says all. (Thanks to It's About The Money, Stupid.)

--Things I could have seen: another man's dick at the urinals. Not that I'm uncomfortable with the situation, accustomed as I am to the trough situation in Fenway, but a blog whose name I can't say here, amusing as it is, has exposed that there are separators between the urinals in the men's bathrooms at field level...and that's it. But I have to say, the Gruel stand in the Grandstand was fairly filling, and I only got flogged five times over the course of the game, thrice by the same monocled gentleman. Curse my poor blood and my poor luck.

--Oh, and Bret Gardner made one of the hardest catches I've ever seen in person, diving backwards for a well-struck Giambi ball in the 1st, the Yankees, oddly struck out no one until the next to last out of the game, and it was a generally close and entertaining game. But the ballpark gets a C-, effectively a D until prices drop. Two things I didn't get to see were the Yankee Museum (long, long line, and we were there early) and Monument Park turned Monument Cave.

I didn't see Monument Cave, pictured, barely, because Lasko and I didn't understand until leaving that you had to go under the cave to get in, and not under. Burying your history only technically preserves it, insomuch as caves are airtight and free of light. Also, this particularly Cave is a lie. Lest we forget the promise:

Renovated Yankee Stadium was primarily a dump, but New Yankee Stadium is only alive amongst the untouchables, and was overestimating the importance of the rich and fickle even in a pre-September 2008 economy. They attempted to build an all-suite hotel when they would have been better off with an All-Bleacher Stadium. The dream is over.

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