ICHIRO VERSUS...Don Cheadle!

Apparently Ichiro Suzuki has a TV Show in Japan he tapes during the off-season; it's a talk show of sorts, but more confrontational and awesome. Well, it looks awesome in any case; I clearly don't understand a motherfucking thing of what's going on here:



Because the idea is awesome, we at Vaughn's Bar and Grill are filming our own American edition, potential lawsuit be damned.


Here as Ichiro's adversary, to promote his new film Reign Over Me is actor and general badass Don Cheadle.

DISEMBODIED VOICE
Free association time. Sunrise.

ICHIRO
Time for batting practice.

CHEADLE
Go back to sleep.

DV
Kiwi.

CHEADLE
Good fruit. Shit's like five dollars a fruit at the fucking Whole Foods near me though.

ICHIRO
Jeff Weaver will have a sub 4.50 ERA this year for us, or my ancestors and I will be shamed.

DV
Explosion.

CHEADLE
I played an English explosives expert in Ocean's Eleven. That was a good movie. Oh, and Twelve. That was a good vacation. Thirteen is coming up soon. That was a good paycheck.

ICHIRO
The McDonalds Double Sausage and Egg McMuffin made me violently ill this morning. I purchased it as a curious exploration of America. I discovered that your civilization is savage. But thank you for your beautiful game of baseball.

DV
First encounter.

CHEADLE
I killed a man as research for playing Mouse in Devil In A Blue Dress. People really liked me in that role. That was my first encounter with real critical acclaim. And murder.

ICHIRO
In a dark basement at a party after Spring Kōshien. I exerted great bat control.

Audience laughs.

ICHIRO (CONT'D)
Seriously, it took, like, two hours for me to finish. Then I turned the lights on and discovered what I thought was a woman was in fact a grey velvet couch. I cleaned up very carefully and rejoined my friends.

Audience looks uncomfortable.

DV
Discomfort.

CHEADLE
Yeah, I feel some of that.

ICHIRO
Sometimes I enjoy wearing my wife's underwear during the summer months. At first it didn't feel right, but in fact, it helps air to circulate around my man parts. It is especially importantly to not come down with Sweaty Groin when tracking down fly balls, as I will be doing far more frequently now that they have moved me to center field. The position at which I hope to be an All-Star.

Audience applauds.

DV
Happiness.

CHEADLE
I auditioned for that movie. Todd Solondz is fucked in the head, man.

ICHIRO
Once I fasted before a game against the Devil Rays at Tropicana Field. My senses felt really strong all day long because I hadn't eaten. I hit a high changeup very hard off of Casey Fossum and as I rounded the bases, I could hear the ball as it cut the air, flew over the fence, and struck an eight year old boy in his right palm. He cried just slightly, then picked up the ball with his unbroken hand. That moment was perfect happiness.

Audience hesitates, then applauds. Run credits.