Friday, March 30, 2007

Predictions: Pain.

Not only is it a couple hours from the end of the work week, it's less than sixty hours from the start of the season, making every minute longer than in a boring section of Ulysses. To stop crawling out of my skin, I'm putting down my predictions, done as per annual tradition with a couple of my oldest friends. My predictions will prove to suck as badly as anyone else's (other than Steve Phillips or Joe Morgan), but I don't do it for the accuracy. Or the money. I do it for the love. The love of passing about an hour at work.

There's only one prediction I will guarantee. Pain.

No, I mean, like, PAIN:

In reverse order of genuine significance:

AAAA Central*
Rich Section of Chicago
St. Louis

(*- This is one big, mediocre division. I'll admit I barely know what the fuck I'm talking about here, but I had to pick someone.)

San Diego
Los Angeles/Brooklyn
San Francisco/New York/BALCO

AL West
Los Angeles/Anaheim

N.Y. Dodgers-Giants Replacement Franchise (WILD CARD)
Florida/Las Vegas

(+The Mets have bigger problems than people think. Their #2 starter is older than Jesus.)

AL Central^
Minnesota (sheds a tear for Francisco Liriano)
Gentrifiying Section of Chicago
Kansas City/Portland, OR?

(^It's all about C.C. Sabathia's health; this could be the best pennant race if the Tigers' pitching is as young as I think it still is.)

AL East
N.Y. Highlanders nee Yankees (WILD CARD)@
Charm/Crack City
Tampa Bay/Las Vegas

(@I went back and forth on this, as I don't think I've ever picked the Red Sox to win the division before, actually. I think the Yankees have bigger SP issues than they think, especially since Hughes isn't going to be ready to be Roger Clemens this year, Roger Clemens [prediction] ain't coming back, and good luck keeping Pavano-Pettite-Mussina healthy at the same time. Close wild card race with the Tigers.)

--Cleveland beats NYY
--Boston beats LAA

--Arizona beats NYM
--Philly beats Houston

--Boston beats Cleveland
--Arizona beats Philly

Boston beats Arizona

(Note: the Mets make the World Series if Pedro comes back in good form [big if], and Cleveland has a real chance of beating Boston and taking it all.)

Cy Young: Oswalt, and why not Santana again.
MVP: Wright-or-Reyes, J.D. Drew. (psych! Grady Sizemore)

Worst team: the Nationals will be bad enough to cause Washington's famed cherry blossom trees to all decay and die in the same summer.

Most likely team I've picked to do good to, in fact, suck: the Diamondbacks. I'm choosing to believe the hype, I guess; if Greg Maddux pitches anything like last year and David Wells is able to stay off refined sugars and take his shots, the Padres could easily win the West.

Predictive note: Last year, I did predict Papelbon would solve the Red Sox bullpen woes, the Cardinals would make the World Series, beating the Mets on their way there. I also gave Josh Beckett the Cy Young, Grady Sizemore the MVP (I only looked at last year's predictions a minute ago; I think I've got almost as big a crush on Grady as the droves of dumpy Cleveland women who hold up MARRY ME, GRADY! signs) and the Red Sox the World Series, but only after talking myself out of giving it all to the A's. In other words, none of this is happening. But wouldn't it be nice?


Josh Wilker said...

"Highlanders suck!" just doesn't scan as well.

I'm liking the new site. I linked to it from the new location of Cardboard Gods (

josh said...
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