Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Travels With Manny

Buster Olney noted in his blog yesterday that the Red Sox have one of the worst April schedules: 14 out of 26 games on the road, 15 games against teams that finished over .500 last year, including home and away series with the Yankees. (One at the Stadium; wonder if my least favorite Yankee fan will be in attendance.) That's a lot of traveling for the beginning of the year, when the team is getting to know its strengths and weaknesses, finding its footing, and getting Julian Tavarez to stop killing the teenagers of Elm Street in their sleep; maybe some Opening Day field trips are in order?

Kansas City: April 2-5
Good for: BBQ

Sooey! Keep Curt Schilling away and don't let David Ortiz stuff himself into Mo Vaughn/Kevin Mitchell shape! FIORELLA'S JACK STACK is reputedly the best in the area, out in Martin City. And other than groupies, there is nothing else baseball players could possibly want to do in Kansas City. Nor is there anything else for anyone else to do in Kansas City, unless you consider going to a Royals game "doing something." Except when the great Gil Meche is pitching, of course.

Texas (Dallas area): April 4-8
Good for: not much in particular

May as well go for the dumbest event possible: the EDIBLE BOOK FESTIVAL. No, seriously, there is one on
April 4th.
The Stuffed Tortilla(s) Flat are obviously going to be good, but stay away from the Under the (Jalapeno!) Volcano; the combination of molten cheez and peppers could fuck up J.D. Drew's new macrobiotic diet, to the point that he might hit the DL with broken ribs. That's how hot these nachos are, and what a pussy J.D. Drew is. He'll still hit a ton this year unless he discovers Cholula or water skiing.

Additionally, by this point in the trip, the Red Sox may have eaten themselves into a losing streak. It may be time for something more active.

Toronto: April 17-19
Good for: women

I couldn't tell you if SkyDome nee the Rogers Center is good for beaver shooting, but I can say that Toronto, in my couple times there, has an underrated female populace, especially for those who like their women of indeterminate race. National health care does a body good. If downy innocent Dustin Pedroia hasn't lost his cherry yet, this could be the place. I'm just saying, he looks the part. A place named BODY ENGLISH sounds like a place where even non-baseballers get balled.

Baltimore: April 25-26
Good for: thriving drug trade

Just stay the fuck INDOORS, unless you know Avon Barksdale personally. Or at least Emiliano Fruto. For obvious reasons.

New York: April 27-29
Good for: Making a wish?

There's lots to do, obviously, but you never know when you'll run into some asshole in a Jeter jersey out clubbing. To try something off the beaten path, I'd recommend MY APARTMENT in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Hey, Manny, if those dreadlocks don't just signify your sympathies with Rastafarian culture, well, I lost the number to my delivery service, but I know a guy who knows a guy. Future Hall Of Famers have to be careful they don't get glaucoma during their playing days, man; ask Kirby Puckett.

Oh, it soothes glaucoma rather than healing it?

Whatever, man. I'm so hungry I could eat a whole food court.

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