Wednesday, August 29, 2007

GAME 132: The Legend of Joba Chamberlain!

Good game last night: Andy Pettite remains the Yankees' best starter, Daisuke frustrated the hell out of me with that first inning but settled down thereafter and was just left in a little too long, and my feeling that this was the game of the series the Sox were going to lose came true, but when you're 7 games up, you can concede when the better team for the night won. The Yankees capitalized on their opportunities. They were the better team.

I actually listened to the last few innings on the radio because I was tired, have no TV at home, and didn't really feel like buying another beer to hang around the Boulevard Tavern for the last innings after the Damon home run. As such, I didn't actually see Joba Chamberlain get himself in and then out of trouble with that tremendous fastball/slider combo (I have watched him pitch before, for the record, and yes, his stuff is filthy), but did hear John and Suzy repeatedly talk of this as another inning in "the legend of Joba Chamberlain."

Legend? Legends aren't true, usually involve people who are long dead, and are retold in shitty CGI. Joba Chamberlain has pitched a grand total of 10 innings, two less than there were labors of Hercules. Those ten innings have included 17 Ks, and yes, this kid could be good, but Legend, John and Suzy? Combined with a new annoying catchphrase ("Nice job-a, Joba!"), the evidence seemed to point to a foregone conclusion, namely, Sterling's douchery. What legend?

But lo, my ceiling opened and from the skies came a scroll. This is the true legend of Joba Chamberlain. Read only if you dare tempt that the prophecies may not come true:

...and O!, in a summer where the actress Julia Stiles doth star in a fine 111-minute chase sequence so too there will come a Pitcher of similar heavy brow, a mammoth being, a paragon of action and masculinity, a human manifestation of a large Plate of Ribs, a Native American playing the American Pass-Time.

He could hurt a Horsed Hide through a ring of arrows and past the behemoth David Ortiz, or at least cause the beast to hit a weak fly out! Woe to the three-headed Beast Eric Hinske, the snarling but Docile J.D. Drew, and all the other Monsters of the Eastern American League, for this Fire-balling Hero Slayed them all, for upwards of One inning every two days!

Away, you Banshee Blue Jays!

To Hades, you Devilish Rays!

Begone, Bloated Boston and Diseased Baltimore!

And the Bronxians did rejoice, and Wankerias, Royal Jester, did add a new Pun to his list, which his most ardent and true audience, himself, did find much delight in. Young Joba was slain fighting a mighty dragon and the Bronxians still finished Two Games behind Neptune's warriors but a Legend was Born!

And they lived happily until they died. Which was five minutes after this sentence was typed.

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