Friday, June 15, 2007
GAME SIXTY FIVE: Fuck you, Cal Ripken!
We got beaten. We got pummeled. We got stuck in a blizzard, and it wasn't from DQ. We got buried in a Rocky Mountain landslide and were forced to shotgun Coors Light until we were sick, then woke up in a pool of our own vomit next to a heaping plate of Rocky Mountain oysters and Mountain tendergroins, with no pants and a Terrell Davis jersey on. We put our #1 and #2 starters out there, and they made the Colorado lineup look like it was still in a humidor-free Coors Field, or maybe the old Mile High when it was even more extreme a pitcher's park. You know, the park where Sid Bream hit the first ever check-swing home run? That's what it was like, with Kaz Matsui (is there any position player time in Colorado can't resurrect?) playing the role of Sid Bream. We couldn't swing our bats for shit and haven't lately. (3.7 runs per game for the month.) Now continuing on...
Walking out of the office down 8th Avenue to grab my lunch, I picked up my cell phone and found I had a voice mail; upon hearing the first part of the message, I thought it was my friend Patrick, but I couldn't understand what the shit he was talking about. This isn't really anything new with Patrick, however, as he is prone to spouting off lots of random shit, including making up stuff in the voice of the Busher from Ring Lardner's You Know Me, Al.
Then this voice identified himself as Cal Ripken Jr., and started pitching me on XM Radio, and how I could listen to it anywhere, even if I had to move in with my parents or something. This seemed like a bit of a low blow, as I am presently making an adequate salary to maintain the lifestyle I am accustomed to living and am unlikely to be moving in with my parents anytime soon. Then he wished my Red Sox, "your passion," luck, "but not too much luck." Then he pulled a shocker on me:
CAL RIPKEN JR: "Let's go Yankees! Let's go Yankees!"
After erasing this demonic presence from my phone and wondering if the message was actually from Billy "Fuck Face" Ripken, I figured out that this was the origin of my confusion. To whichever of my many Yankee fans put me onto this, hardy har har. I know, you're "back in it," so long as "it" is the wild card standings. My congratulations. Now when I find out which one of you pulled this shit on me (why not Derek Jeter?), you're gonna get repeated messages from David Ortiz promoting XM Radio to you. And if anyone else sends me these, I'm going all rolling thunder on everyone I know. There are no innocents.